On the Fourth of December, I Don't Want to Hear...

So, you should sing the title of this post to the tune of the 12 Days of Christmas, which is just one of the songs I don't want to hear anymore--and, not only is it just December 4, but I haven't done any Christmas shopping yet! Please find below 10 more holiday favorites I don't want to hear again.



1. So This is Christmas, John Lennon
I feel like this song should just plain be banned, because it's been used on so many starving orphan commercials that it always makes me cry. Christmas is not about crying, unless you get crappy gifts.

2. The Christmas Song, Alvin and the Chipmunks
Even when I was a kid, this song bugged the poop out of me. There's something inherently creepy about it.

3. All I Want for Christmas is You, Mariah Carey
Despite its association with the film Love, Actually, where it is sung by an adorable little American girl (a great Christmas film, by the way), the Mariah version makes me want to tear off my skin and run screaming up and down my street.

4. Jingle Bell Rock, Brenda Lee
Although this is probably the best performance of the song, thanks to the look on Ana Gasteyer's face, Lizzie Caplan's comment says it all: "Everyone in the English speaking world knows that song." And there is no escaping it.



5. Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer, Dr. Elmo
Oh, good lord. This song is a necessity at any redneck holiday bash, like the kinds they have in Buckner, Missouri (big ups to my peeps in B-ner!!). However, the novelty of the song wore off for me somewhere around the third grade. This song, by the way, was first released in 1979, which is also known as the greatest year in history, as it is the year in which I was born--no math, please!

6. Santa Claus is Coming to Town, Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band
Okay, I don't have much time to type this before the transport to Guantanamo Bay arrives to pick me up, but I hate Bruce Springsteen. I don't like this song to begin with, but Bruce & Co. doesn't add a damn thing to it. This video, however, appears to show Bruce having a stroke before he starts playing, so please, go ahead and enjoy it, as long as you're out of earshot for me.



7. Oh Holy Night, Cher
This song is apparently mandatory for all female vocalists (I love you, Kelly Clarkson!!), but frankly, Cher's the one who ruined it for the rest of the gang. Actually, it's not Cher so much as the slew of weirdos and drag queens who try to imitate Cher's rendition.

8. Wonderful Christmastime, Paul McCartney
Kudos, Paul, for discovering the synthesizer, but this song is just too much. I am fully convinced that I can have a wonderful Christmastime without it.

9. The Twelve Days of Christmas
FIIIIVE GOOOL-DEN RIIIINNNNGGSSSS! What else is there to say?

10. Last Christmas, Wham
This is easily the worst of the worst when it comes to Christmas songs I don't ever want to hear again, and whenever I walk into Target or Dominick's, it starts playing. Without fail. It's almost like they've replaced the anti-theft sensors with something to detect me which communicates with the muzak to turn on Last Christmas. Nope, not paranoid. And, I don't know what's worse, the song, or that George Michael is pretending to sing it to a woman.