And the biggest tool is...

Last night on The Pickup Artist 2 Mystery (whose real name is "Erik") announced that Simeon was the big winner! That's Simeon, whose name is pronounced Simian, as in ape-like. I was actually cheering for this guy to lose because he seemed the most like someone who had the potential to be a worthwhile human being, but, unfortunately, he's now been named the best at convincing a girl at a bar that he has some interest in them as a human being when, really, he's just trying to get someone to make out with him. And he gets to train other losers to dress up like idiots and go out and do the same thing. Congratulations, Simeon, you're a big tool.

I was actually watching the show Criminal Minds last week, and they featured a character that was obviously based on Mystery, whose predatory messages about being a pickup artist encouraged a serial killer to move from killing prostitutes to girls he picked up in bars. This made me really think about The Pickup Artist and the things Mystery teaches them. At the end of the day, all he really teaches people is common sense: be presentable and pay attention to the signals other people are giving you.

Honestly, he gives all these guys makeovers at the beginning of the show. When Simeon came in, he had shaggy hair, long sideburns and a mustache. Okay, mustaches are horrifying, and he did need some cleaning up. But, what Mystery did to him, was pierce his eyebrow, paint his nails, buy him a bunch of rings and necklaces and encourage him to wear hats. I like piercings, but only on guys who look like they ought to have them. Nail polish on men, take it or leave it. Jewelry, with the exception of a watch and a wedding band, should always, always, always be a no-no for men. And a hat? Um, if I meet you and you're wearing a hat and it's not cold out, I am going to guess that you're balding.

What Mystery teaches his students, in terms of paying attention to the cues people are giving him, is probably right on the money. However, those ridiculous games and magic tricks he uses to have an excuse to touch girls are way, way out of line. Any guy who grabs for my hands and says, "I want to do a trust test," the answer is, "Don't touch me, you creepy loser." I still don't understand what has to be wrong with a girl to get her to fall for that.

Here's a no-brainer: the best advice all season came from Tara, the traitor to her gender who has been enlisted to help train future pickup artists. She said, over and over and over, "Just treat them like they're a person." I still don't understand why people have to learn that.

So, congratulations to Simeon. And ladies, if some guy comes up to you in a club and says, "Hey, what's this from: Nobody puts Baby in a corner," walk away, because Simeon is about to try to pick you up.