More Unsolicited Frustration

I just can't take it anymore. If my cell phone rings one more time with an unknown or unavailable number and it's not someone calling to offer me a job interview, I think I will scream, cry, break things and tear my own hair out. Or, if I get one more random email, or find one more unsolicited magazine or catalogue in my mailbox.

Thus far, in the two days since I last wrote about this, I have received:

• A phone call from Publishers House letting me know that using my credit card has entered me into a drawing for a million dollars, so if I could just tell them which brand of credit card I preferred they'll put me into the final drawing.
• Three catalogues filled with clothing appropriate only for women at least 20 years older than I am.
• A catalouge where nothing came with its actual price, but the number and amount of each installment payment it would take to actually purchase the item.
• Three additional phone calls, on my cell phone, offering to help match me with the best college so I can finally get the bachelor's degree I've always needed to change my life.
• A phone call from a barely intelligible speaker from a call center in India or Pakistan or wherever letting me know about a prize I had won and I would have to fill out a survey to receive so I should be on the lookout for an email he was sending with that survey so I would get my prize.
• An invitation to learn more about the graduate programs at Loyola University (this may actually have been a result of applying to UIC, but the timing makes it suspect).
• A free four-issue subscription to Us Weekly. This doesn't suck right now, but when I get a letter a week asking for payment for a year's worth of more issues, I'm going to be hellamad.
  

I can't deal anymore. I have my suspicions about which job board it was that sold my information, but, because I can't prove it, I can't name them here. I can tell you it wasn't Monster, Hot Jobs or Career Builder, but a smaller, more specialized one.

Switching gears to more positive news, I think the interview I had the other day went well, and I should be hearing soon about an in-office interview with the company. I well-known reputable company which is clearly in no way responsible for the trauma I am going through with this crazy phone harassment. Keep wishing me luck!

Job Hunting...ARRRRRGGGGHHHH!!!

I've now been without a job for nearly four months, and have actually been job hunting for about six. And, frankly, looking for work is almost a full-time job in itself.

When you look at the job boards, like Monster or Hot Jobs, a lot of what you encounter is scams. Companies like Marketing FX, SMI or Work In Sports advertise themselves as marketing firms with big-name clients, but, when you research the companies, you find that they are actually looking for people to go door to door and bring people The Good News of the Chicago White Sox...like Jehovah's Witnesses, with bumper stickers.

So, before you send out your application, you really have to research the company, and check all the rip-off reports you can find to ensure the one you're looking at isn't on there. And yet, somehow, you can still miss something.

I have applied for a job recently which, instead of calling me for an interview, sold my email address and CELL PHONE NUMBER to companies. I have gotten phone calls from five different companies that want to help me learn how I can finally get a bachelor's degree. They are all under the impression that I asked them for this information. Of course, I earned my bachelor's degree 8 years ago, my master's degree 4 years ago, and expect to receive my PhD in approximately 4 years. So, I guess you could say I have the bachelor's degree covered.

I have also been offered, thanks to this phony job application, the opportunity to subscribe to several different magazines, to start my own business and to test a new mascara not yet available on the market. And these are all offers that have been made via phone. Via my cell phone, burning up my minutes for opportunities I neither want nor requested.

Shouldn't this be illegal? The worst of it is, I have sent out so many applications that I don't know which one might be responsible for making my life even more difficult. Actually, that's not the worst of it. The worst is that every time I see a number I don't recognize, or get a call from an unavailable number, for a moment, my heart soars up into my throat thinking that I'm getting a call to offer me an interview, which is followed by an inevitable crash and a vile knot in my stomach as I want to scream at the person on the other end of the phone to stop bothering me.

But, it's not all bad. Tomorrow, I have a phone interview, so anyone who reads this should send good thoughts or positive vibes or sacrifice a chicken or whatever it is you do to make good things happen!

How To...

Load the Dishwasher.

Step One: Make sure that there are no clean dishes in the dishwasher. One would think this would be an obvious step, but no, apparently, there are people stupid enough to not get it.

As an addendum to this step, if you are putting away dishes that you find in the dishwasher, please ensure that they are actually clean. For example, if there are milk rings on the bottoms of glasses or ketchup stains on plates, they are probably not clean and should not be put away.

Step Two: Scrape and Rinse the dishes you intend to load into the dishwasher. If there are chunks on it, those chunks are not going to magically disappear during the wash. In fact, they will actually be broken down into smaller chunks and sprayed onto the rest of the dishes, which will then have to be rewashed.

If, in the process of scraping them, you discover something burned on (like on a pot or a pan) don't put that in the dishwasher. The dishwasher is not filled with magical elves who scrub the dishes clean while the door is closed. There is only hot water being sprayed onto the dishes, so if something is dried on or cooked on, you're going to have to wash it by hand because it just isn't going to come clean.

Step 3: Organize the dishes properly. Smaller items, such as glasses, should go on the top shelf. Fragile items, like plastic storage dishes, should also go on the top shelf, where the water is slightly less hot and and slightly less forceful. Larger items, like plates, should go on the lower shelf.

Make sure that the dishes are positioned so the dirty parts will get maximum exposure to the water. If the water comes up from the bottom, you shouldn't position, for example, glasses so that the opening in the glass is pointing away from the water. Also pay attention to the natural angles and openings in the dishwasher. The water is on rotating blades, and, frequently, the racks in the dishwasher will be angled so that the dirty sides of the dishes will be facing the water, so it's really best to follow those lines.

Step 4: Load in the silverware. Pointy items, like forks and knives, should be loaded with the pointy ends facing the bottom of the dishwasher. Most cutlery baskets have holes in the bottom, and those holes will help to hold the pointy ends steady so they get cleaner. Spoons should be placed rounded-end up, otherwise the water pressure causes them to nestle against one another and not get clean. Large items, like chef's knives or spatulas will get cleaner if they're lying flat in the top rack.

Step 5: Add the dish soap. Make sure you close the lid on the soap dispenser.

Step 6: Turn the dishwasher on. This seems like a no-brainer, but some people seem to believe that the dishwasher has a psychic connection with you and knows you want it to come on and wash the dishes.

Step 7: When the dishes are washed and the drying cycle is finished, open the dishwasher and check the dishes. If they're still wet, leave the dishwasher open a crack to help them dry. If they're dry, put them away. As you put them away, check them to make sure there's nothing dirty stuck to them. If you find something on a dish, don't put it away. Put it back in the dishwasher or wash it by hand.

Repeat the whole process!

Next time, we'll be discussing how important it is to clean up a mess when you make it. Like when you spill coffee on the floor in front of your roommate's door.

Back from the dead!

So, on Tuesday, the much-anticipated (at least by me) film Dead Like Me: Life After Death came out. Unfortunately, it was released straight to video, which means there's a very good possibility it will be the only film to try to pick up where the program left off.

If you've not seen the television show, you can catch a brief overview here. The film picks up three years after the television show ends, with George, Roxy, Mason and Daisy (played now by Sarah Wynter) still reaping souls. Unfortunately, the story line for the film didn't include Rube (Mandy Patinkin), who was replaced by suave British businessman Cameron Kane (Henry Ian Cusick). Cameron isn't a big fan of Rube's Post-it notes and day planner, or his daily meetings at Der Waffle House (which burned down at the very beginning of the film), so he opts for a standing reservation at a swanky restaurant, Palm Treos, and sexy parties in his lavish home.

But something isn't right. Cameron's corrupt decadence and laissez-faire attitude towards the rules by which all the reapers live soon has everyone breaking the rules...with wild consequences.

The biggest sub-plot to the film deals with George's family. George has always watched her family, but has been expressly forbidden to interact with them. But, through a mess with an incorrect time of death, she ends up trying to reap her sister's secret boyfriend, which brings her and her sister together and she reveals her true identity, causing her troubled sister to try to forge a new relationship with her.

Meanwhile, the other reapers discover that their new boss doesn't have their best interests at heart and embark on a plot to destroy him. But how does one kill an undead reaper?

The film ends with an opening for a sequel, which, if you watch the special features, the director and the stars are all interested in doing. Honestly, the film is a bit more like a 2-hour series finale, with some resolution, but nothing really finalized.

It was nice to see a continuation of the story, but it only left me wanting another movie...or another hour-long episode each week. It was a bit sad to see Rube gone, since he was one of my favorite characters, and the film relegated the other characters more to players in George's story, whereas in the show, everyone had their own story narrated by George. Overall, though, I think anyone who enjoyed the show will enjoy the movie as well...and if you didn't see the show, rent both seasons, then rent the film!

Craziness on Big Love

Okay, so we're a few episodes into the third season of HBO's Big Love, and this season is much darker and heavier than the previous two.

Roman Grant was acquitted of violations of the Man Act, and is now kind of free...he's under house arrest in a hotel. Nicki, who helped to drive off the witnesses against him by infiltrating the DA's office using Margene's identity quit her job but is being pulled back thanks to a flirtation with a lawyer (who actually used to occasionally guest star on Who's Line is it Anyway?). The family married Ana, who, in less than a day, asked them for a divorce because she, like I do, felt the balance of the family worked best with only 3 wives (there's also a sort of religious component to keeping only 3 that Bill's mother mentioned--ideally, a man should have either 3 or 7 wives). And Sarah is pregnant.

But the thing that's making this season so heavy is the level of corruption to which Bill seems to be sinking. At the end of last season, his overwhelming zeal for bringing down Roman Grant had him falling all over himself to steal Weber Gaming and pitting one polygamous group against the other. But this season he's getting in much, much deeper. He's still on his crusade to destroy Juniper Creek, but his determination to maintain Weber Gaming has him pulling some shady deals. First of all, Home Plus is losing money, but he's still ignoring it. Now he's getting into government dealings to prevent a gaming ban from going through, making deals to bring down Alby Grant while making deals with Alby Grant. You can see in his eyes and in the way he drops everything for some shady dealing that he's becoming less of a good man and more of a man possessed by greed and corruption.

The other heavy moments are coming from Sarah and her unwanted pregnancy. Ben wants her to give the baby to her parents to raise, but she wanted to give it away for adoption. This led to a very heavy-handed moment where Sarah, Ben and Heather all went to interview a prospective adoptive couple. Well, the woman had major-league OCD, and the husband was fighting his SSA--same sex attraction. They were actually brought together by a church leader to help "heal one another." This is actually not uncommon practice for Mormons; when I lived in Las Vegas, I had a friend who was both Mormon and openly gay, and he was continually being bombarded by other gay Mormon men who had decided to live as straight men "for their own eternal salvation" attempting to convince him to do the same. These men frequently offered him women who had agreed to (or "been called to") be married to gay men in order to save their souls. This created a weird preachy moment where Ben, Sarah and Heather, who is struggling with her own same-sex attraction to Sarah, discussed the morality of homosexuality and whether it's right or wrong, as well as whether the practice of gays marrying straight was right or wrong.

In the last episode, though, Sarah decided she wants to keep her baby, and she and Heather fantasized about both going to Arizona State University (Sarah got in; Heather would apply to go with her), living together and working together to raise the baby as a family. This opens up a new space to explore Heather's sexuality, and for me to hope Heather will get her own storyline.

As Bill spirals out of control and Sarah's pregnancy may be moving towards a point where she can no longer hide it from her family, the series is getting heavy...and the jury is still out on whether this is a good way for it to go.

Another Turnip on a Fork

So, on GetBack they have a listing of commonly misunderstood song lyrics. It has the old standards on there...Jimi Hendrix singing excuse me while I kiss this guy, one of a thousand different misunderstood lyrics from Rock the Casbah, the famous douche line from Blinded by the Light and a bunch more. Even Beck's line from Loser, "Soy un perdator," which most people think is "So I shut the door," and which I thought was "soy gum predator." Not very creative.

When it comes to people messing up song lyrics, no one tops my sister. Remember Green Day's Time of Your Life? The first line is, "Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road." While driving along one day, she belted out, "Another turnip on a fork, stuck in the road." I nearly drove us into a cliff I was laughing so hard. Why would Green Day be singing about a turnip? A turnip. Really.

J, for ages, thought the lyrics to Ask by The Smiths were "If it's not love, then it's the bond, the bond, the bond that will bring us together." A reasonable mistake, but the true story is that "it's the bomb that will bring us together." The album is called "Louder then Bombs," after all, not "Louder than Bonds."

No one knows the lyrics to Journey's Don't Stop Believing. I personally hate Journey, so the only way I can stand to hear the song is when my friend, who would be mortified if I named her, sings the first line of the chorus "Strangers, waiting, trying to drown a bowl of art." (The lyric, by the way is "Strangers waiting up and down the boulevard."

When I first heard Prince's Little Red Corvette, I thought the lyrics were "Pay the rent Collette." Of course, once I knew the name of the song, I figured it out. And while we're talking about Prince, and there are either 22, 23 0r 24 positions in the one night stand he sings about in Gett Off. I did some digging, and the general consensus seems to be 23. I also thought TLC's Waterfalls didn't say "Don't go chasing waterfalls," but said, "Go-go Jason what a fool."

So tell me, darlings, what songs did you and yours get wrong in a super-funny and creative way?

Why are people so stupid?

So, I got a package in the mail yesterday. That's not the stupid part.

Not only did the mailman not bother to ring the bell to see if I was at home before putting a delivery slip in the box and taking the package back to the post office, but the guy spelled my name all kinds of wrong. The slip was made out to Ellun Donanahney.

Ellen is not a hard name to spell. Donaghy can be a little tougher. However, it becomes much, much easier to spell when you consider that it's written on the package which the mailman has in his hand as he makes out the delivery slip.

You know when else it's easier to spell? When you're my landlord, and it's written on my lease.

Yep, my landlord decided that, instead of checking our lease for the correct spelling of my name to put on our mailbox, he would text message me at 1:30 in the morning, when I was quite obviously asleep.

What is wrong with these people?!?!?

We're Number 3!

Whoo-hoo! On Forbes magazine's list of the the ten most miserable cities in America, Chicago ranks number 3!

Why? Well, for one, we have the rising unemployment rates (I've been out of work for three months now). And, since no one is working, no one can afford the 10.3% sales tax here in the city. And there's the small matter of corruption...Barack Obama may have adopted Chicago as his hometown, but Rod Blagojevich is from here too, along with 358 other public officials who've been convicted of crimes in the last decade. Oh, and though it got up to 65 degrees today (look at the blue sky in the photo I took today), it's really effin cold here for most of the winter, then really effin humid during the summer.

Where did your city rank? Well, Detroit slipped from number one to number seven, just behind Flint, Michigan. St. Louis ranked number 10. Stockton, California, is number one, with only 15% of residents having a college education and unemployment at nearly 15%. Memphis, Tennessee is number two, which proves to me that country music leads to depression. Cleveland is number 4, with Modesto, California, car-theft capital of the U.S., at number 5. Number 8 is Buffalo, New York, which gets 90 inches of snow, but is where hot wings were born, and number nine is Miami, thanks to a housing collapse.

Now, I've lived in both Chicago and Detroit, and I cannot imagine that Detroit is less miserable than Chicago. No way!

A New Meaning to Classic Comic Books

My favorite book is getting a Marvel-ous makeover! Marvel Comics is putting out a five-issue telling of Jane Austen's classic novel Pride and Prejudice as part of their best-selling novels collection (also included The Stand and The Wizard of Oz). The issue will be available with the April releases, and will sell for $3.99 an issue.

I think Pride and Prejudice has got to be one of the most re-told and re-imagined books ever (not counting the Cinderella story). Authors continue to churn out novel after novel after novel that picks up where the story ends, sharing the details of what happens once the wedding bells stop ringing and Elizabeth Bennet becomes Elizabeth Darcy. There are also novels that retell the story from Darcy's point of view. And who can forget the infamous April Fool's Day joke Pride and Promiscuity: The Lost Sex Scenes of Jane Austen, which had Austen scholars in an uproar trying to verify the authenticity of the writings.

I'll be honest with you, I've never read any of them. And the reason I've so studiously avoided them is because I love Pride and Prejudice so very deeply that I'm afraid, like Kiera Knightley's acting, reading these continuations of the novel will ruin the original story for me. So I'm deeply torn over whether or not to attach myself to the comic book versions.

Fan fiction is funny that way. Someone takes something they love so deeply that they have to keep creating more of it, taking control of the aspects of the story they love and exploring it deeper. But what happens if it ruins it for someone else?

Good News for Harvey Dent

Just when you think medical science has gone to the limits by pulling people's organs out of far flung orifices, someone gets a face transplant.

Although it's the fourth ever to be done, it's the first in the U.S., and the most extensive facial transplant ever. The transplant recipient, who suffered a traumatic facial injury that left her with no nose or palate, and unable to eat or breathe, has had 80 percent of her face replaced with bone, muscles, nerves, skin and blood vessels from another woman who had just died. She now has a new nose and lip.

Although the procedure was performed in Cleveland (Cleveland, people), the woman's identity and whereabouts are being withheld at her request. She, however, is showing no signs of rejecting her new face, and she has said that she had full feeling and it feels just like her old face.

Honestly, I'm glad this woman is able to return to a regular life, but I have to wonder about this whole face transplant thing and what it looks like. I've seen photos of other people who've had partial face transplants, and they mostly look like they've been scarred in a fire. Does this woman look like the person she got the face from, or has it been sculpted to look more like her original self? Obviously, it's not going to look as exact as in Face/Off, but I wonder if it looks like she's just had extensive plastic surgery (like someone with a nose job and cheek implants) or if she looks like a warped version of the deceased woman who donated her face.

And what about the family of the face donor? I mean, I guess if you were planning on cremating your deceased relative anyway, they don't really need their face anymore. But could you imagine walking down the street and seeing someone with your relative's face coming towards you? Especially when you consider that the recipient got 80% of someone else's face, and, from what I read, it sounds like it was mostly the middle part, which might be recognizable. The doctors are also saying that, because the transplant was so extensive, that she doesn't look like someone who's had a facial transplant. But who does she look like?

Although there are ethical concerns surrounding facial transplants (it's a quality of life procedure, rather than a lifesaving procedure), the team that did this woman's transplant is working on further research for the military to explore the possibility of providing facial transplants to soldiers who have been dangerously disfigured in the line of duty.

They pulled a kidney out of her where?

Okay, I'm probably the last person to see this story about transvaginal kidney removal. Although the procedure has only been used about 300 times worldwide and is normally used to remove dead or damaged organs, this is the first time a donor kidney had been removed via the vagina (un-donateable kidneys, gall bladders and apendixes have also been removed via the vagina, anus and mouth). The benefit to transvaginal removal is that it's less painful and speeds healing time, although the medical community does have concerns about the possibility of transplanting potentially hazardous bodily materials, such as stomach acids or feces, with the donor organ. The woman who donated the kidney to her niece was chosen for the procedure because she'd had a full hysterectomy, but it's apparently possible to perform it without compromising a woman's fertility.

But how?

As we can see on our theoretically gender-neutral chart here, the kidneys are way up there with the stomach and liver, nestled on top of the intestines. The vagina, which is also attached to the uterus and ovaries, belongs down there in the bladder area. So, my question is, logistically, how does one navigate all the other viscera to get the kidney first into the uterus and then pull it out through the vagina without doing damage to the baby carriage?

Let's Put our Thinkin' Caps On!

After seeing The Wrestler, Mickey Rourke inspired Andrea and I to develop a program to adopt washed-up celebrities. So, here's what I need from you: If you were going to adopt a celebrity has-been, who would you want to adopt? What celebrities from yester-year do you think are most in need of adoption? We're still hammering out the kinks for how the program will actually work, but we're looking for nominations now. Post me a list in the comments section!