List

In honor of television advertising, here's a list of things being advertised during daytime programming. Let's see if we can establish who the average Daytime TV viewer is.

Things Daytime Television Watchers (DTVWs) Want

1. Better abs. Whether it be by the Bender Ball or the Crunchless Abs method, daytime television viewers have had it with their flabby abs and ineffective floor crunches (especially women with lower ab pooches) and are willing to throw down someone's hard earned money for better abs. After all, the Bender ball is 408% more effective, and according to the Journal of Research, floor crunches only work 2 of our 12 abdominal muscles.

1a. As an addendum to 1, DTVWs would also like diet pills, especially those hawked on greenscreen sets that look like the deck of a sci-fi starship, diet foods delivered straight to their door, and weight loss surgery.

2. Blankets with sleeves. DTVWs are sick of those difficult to use blankets, and I don't blame them. I mean, a square of cloth you cover your body with to stay warm is so confusing to operate. Thank God for the people who make Snuggie, the blanket with sleeves. This hybrid blanket/sweater/choir robe/hospital gown is the perfect solution for those of us who just cannot figure out how to keep our arms warm with a traditional blanket. As a bonus, it also solves the problem of having to match your cardigan to your afghan.

3. Technical education. Whether it's ITT, DeVry, Le Cordon Blue or UTI (not actually urinary tract infection, as I originally thought), there's something out there for everyone.

4. Life insurance. Are you between the ages of 65 and 130? Do you have a child? Does your child have a child? If so, daytime TV will eventually have an ad that will present you with the perfect life insurance plan for your needs.

5. Debt counseling and/or bankruptcy representation. Clearly, if you're at home in the middle of the day, you're unemployed, which means you probably have cash flow problems. Daytime TV is more than happy to put you in touch with the lawyer/crook that can help with that.

5a. As an addendum to 5, you can also get cash for gold, payday loans and cash advances via folks who advertise to DTVWs.

As a sidebar, has anyone else noticed that in the Premium M-n-Ms commercial for their raspberry almond flavor, Green M-n-M EATS one of the premium M-n-Ms? Eats it!!! Doesn't that give anyone else the creeps?!?!