MTV's VMAs as an Educational Experience

I've always been a huge fan of edutainment--just because something is entertaining doesn't mean you can't learn from it. Take tonight's VMAs. It was the 25th anniversary, so the presenters were doing their very best to teach us about the history of the awards show. I, however, learned a few things of my own.

1. The Jonas Brothers are lame.

I know there are millions of 13-year-old girls who would beat me into a smushy pulp for saying so, but seriously, they're lame. Their little performance, the three of them sitting on the fake steps of the Paramount back lot with their tiny guitars was so stripped down that you had to pay attention to the lyrics. Frankly, the price was too high. And then their set opens up and they run onto a stage like suddenly they're really going to rock out and a zillion neon-clad groupies (um, extras, kids, they were extras) rushed the stage to surround them. And then the floppy haired one tried to demonstrate how very hardcore he is by unsuccessfully ripping open his tweed vest. The best part? The curly headed one with the sideburns who didn't get to sing.

2. Rappers grab their crotches in order to hold their pants on.

So as Lil' Wayne, who I thought was in jail, came out onto the stage doing this splay-legged shuffle with his pants buckled around his mid-thigh area, I noticed that with every step he grabbed his crotch. Then I noticed that his entire rear end was outside of his pants. Ergo, all the crotch grabbing was solely to ensure that his pants stayed on. And I thought it was meant to demonstrate how enormous their junk was.

3. Pete Wentz thinks Spencer Pratt is a tool. Which means Pete and I have something in common other than being Ashlee Simpson fans.

4. MTV has no idea what rock music sounds like.

Linkin Park's sad-bastard ballad got the award for best rock video. Linkin Park used to be a rock band, but Madonna also used to be a virgin. Even Fall Out Boy has more rock cred than Linkin Park now. I'm pretty sure Miley Cyrus does too. But maybe not Hannah Montana.

5. Spelling doesn't count.

Paramore. Flo Rida. Tokio Hotel. And maybe Milli Vanilli destroyed my trust in people with thick European accents to make music that sounds like it's being sung very clearly in American English, but their beautiful androgynous male lead singer has a very thick German accent. Just saying.

6. Kid Rock should be stopped. If his performance at the VMAs (with a superfluous cameo from Lil' Wayne, who still can't figure out how to pull his pants up over his bum) didn't convince you, please check out the "Warrior" video.

Britney Spears looked fantastic, by the way, won two awards and dressed appropriately. Christina Aguilera, however, might have wanted to shed a few more pounds before strapping herself into that nylon and vinyl contraption she was wearing. Yikes!