Why, People?

I've been known to sport a piercing or two from time to time. I like tattoos, but mostly on other people because it's just more of a commitment than I want to make to any one picture or design. So, when I followed a link from Mental Floss to a list of body modifications the writer had found particularly disturbing, I expected to see some pretty out-there practices on there. Most of them, however, were pretty vanilla--earlobe stretching, tongue forking, subdermal implants (like fake horns), branding, jewelry implanted into the first layer of the eye, corneal tattooing (but not, oddly enough, the ridiculous practice of getting a tat on the inside of your mouth).

And then I saw pearling. A little known fact about me: a true New England girl, I love pearls, and would probably be the happiest girl alive to receive a single strand of black pearls or a single black pearl on a silver chain as a gift (say, for an upcoming holiday). Pearling, however, has very little to do with jewelry.

As it turns out, "pearling" refers to the practice of implanting small round surgical steel or titanium balls under the skin of the penis. It is also less commonly done to the skin surrounding the vagina or anus. I did a little research into this, and discovered that it is not cosmetically attractive. In fact, in low lighting the pearls could easily be mistaken for warts or other signs of infection (O, how I wish what has been seen could be unseen!), and its only purpose is to enhance the non-pearled partner's sexual pleasure. Apparently, the pearled one may experience some elevation of pleasure at first, but it doesn't last, and it may actually cause the act of achieving an erection excruciatingly painful. The process is extremely painful, has a very, very long healing process (we're talking months of celibacy here readers), and, more often than not, results in an extremely unpleasant infection (which can lead to impotence, infertility and urinary, kidney and prostate damage).

Now, I consider myself fairly enlightened. I've seen Pink Flamingos. But what I cannot for the life of me figure out is why you would go through such a seemingly risky process for someone else's orgasm. Particularly when you can purchase "intimacy aids" made of molded plastic that feature pearled surfaces (and, sometimes, multi-speed motors), that you can use without months of waiting. Especially when it gives you the appearance of a nasty infection!

The Hand that Feeds? Yummy!

What do Terrence Howard, Katherine Heigl and Kristen Stewart all have in common? A real taste for biting the hand that feeds.

Terrence Howard said, while on the press tour for Iron Man, that he wished he had never started acting, that he had just concentrated on his music and focused on becoming successful that way. Well, while the four people who actually bought his album might be on his side there (and share DNA with him), the producers were not impressed by his likening acting to being with a whore--it gets the job done but it doesn't really satisfy--and Don Cheadle will be playing Rhody in Iron Man 2.

And Katherine Heigl? Where do we start? First, she trashed Knocked Up while promoting the film. Then she takes herself out of contention for an Emmy--before having been nominated for one--by saying that she didn't feel that she'd been given adequate material to deserve the nomination. Um, Katie, you stupid, stupid bitch? If you haven't been given the material, you won't get nominated and you won't have to worry about it. The result? Apparently, she's been given some asinine storyline wherein she may or may not be crazy and she may or may not be getting the boot from her show. I don't know for sure, though, because Grey's Anatomy is just so miserable a show I can't watch it.

And now, in an interview that was published in Newsday (and syndicated in Chicago's Red Eye) Kristen Stewart said of her film Twilight, which opened Friday:

Sometimes I'd be like, "This is crap. This is the worst, most trite piece of crap I've ever done in my life." I love the books, but trying to do it in real life, it doesn't translate. [...] What else does it do for me, besides facilitate me making the next movie I want to make? Nothing.

Um, what??? Granted, she's an 18-year-old girl who's made a several films, and this film is being touted as her breakout film role, but seriously, who is her press handler? Does she also not recognize that the film is based on the first of a series of four books? That means at least four more films she'd be the first choice for--if she doesn't do something retarded like call it a trite piece of crap.

What are these people thinking? Is there something going on in Hollywood where you sign over your common sense when you sign on to do a film? How stupid to you have to be to criticize the thing that enables you to pay your bills?

Be Vewy Quiet...I's Huntin' Paychecks

Unemployment, Day 3.

So, here's some good news: I have an interview with a temp agency on Friday. They're looking for someone to proctor exams for a law school for 2 weeks. It pays better than minimum wage...not much, but it's a paycheck and I would rather take that for 2 weeks than an unemployment check. I know it's what it's there for, but I've got all that pride and stuff, and I'd rather work. And, we'll talk more about the other things I can do and what else the agency might be able to do for me.

And here's some ridiculous news: I got an invitation from a headhunter to apply to work as a financial adviser. Me. A financial adviser. Even Ben up there looks irritated by that. (Or he's got a cramp in his hand from writing so many crappy essays.) Here are three reasons me working with money would be a bad idea:

1. I don't have any money. Since I've never had to make any major financial decisions for myself--other than whether it's worth the extra 60 cents to supersize it--I don't think I'm particularly qualified to make decisions about other people's money.

2. I don't believe that money exists. I don't know where it comes from, or where it goes, but when we're talking about needing to put billions of dollars into our economy, I can't wrap my head around it. Is there actually a room somewhere with a billion dollars in cash in it? Frankly, I think there's just this sort of idea of money that's in no way, shape or form backed up by actual coin and paper.

3. I have really, really bad math skills. Really bad. I'm pretty sure that when one is working with money, which is quantified by numbers, that being able to add, subtract, multiply and divide is a key skill to have.

Hopefully, though, something else I have in the works will come through for me. Before I was made redundant, I had applied for the Teach for America program. Tomorrow, I find out whether or not I get an interview. Watch this space.

Bad Marketing Plans, Part 1

So today I get into my boyfriend's car and on the front seat is a postcard with a picture of a blonde eastern European looking girl. She looks vaguely sedated and a little ashamed of herself, and her outfit is a little on the skanky--I mean sexy--side. Who is she? Is she a stripper? An escort? An invitation to participate in human trafficking?

Nope, she's a model. And the card is an invitation to join her agency.

So I asked J where he got the card, and he tells me he found it on his car.

"Wow," I said. "That's such a smart marketing plan! I can't think of any better way to discover models than by putting cards on cars the owner is nowhere near so you can't tell what they look like!"

Now, J is a handsome man. Unfortunately, he isn't a big fan of having his picture taken, so it's not likely he was going to sign on with the agency. Oh, and the card was looking for women. I love him, but, while he may be more feminine than Samantha Ronson, he's not exactly going to pass for a hot chick anytime soon.

Now, we live in a neighborhood where, if you park on the street, when you next get in your car, you're likely to find fliers and cars advertising everything from cleaning services to vacations to auto parts to discount calling cards with great rates to Mexico on them. And that's fine. Everyone needs a cleaning service or auto parts at one time or another, and a lot of the people in my neighborhood are both calling Mexico and looking to travel there pretty regularly.

But a modeling agency? I'm not sure you can just throw a card on someone's car and hit a model every time. I doubt you could do it 5% of the time. Particularly if the car is a PT Cruiser. In terms of ROI, you're probably not even going to break even.

On a scale of one to ten, with one being kind of weird but it just might work and ten being the worst idea ever, I give this modeling agency an 8.