The Blockbuster Conspiracy

I think Blockbuster has taken control of my queue. Honestly.

I managed to get my queue down to like 40 movies through a combination of renting-watching-returning quickly, exchanging the online rentals for in-store rentals and just generally being really, really bored. But suddenly, my queue is up to 92 movies, not counting the one I have and the two they are sending me now. A total of 95 movies. And not one of them is a film I've ever seen before. I challenge anyone to name 95 movies they've never seen that they would like to. Mike? Kim? Katie? I bet you can't do it.

And there are movies on my queue I've never even heard of! The Secret? A Hole in One? Confessions of an American Girl? If anyone knows anything about these movies, please, share your knowledge because I am at a loss.

But, if I've never heard of them, where did they come from?

My theory is that it's a big conspiracy cooked up by the guys at Blockbuster HQ (that's headquarters, for those of you too smart to think in acronyms). First, they are attempting to manage customer retention by ensuring that the lists contain more movies than any one person of average social appeal could every possibly get through. That way, if they are ever considering discontinuing their service, they will look at their queue and think, "Oh, but there are 238 movies here I want to see. I guess I'll keep it.

Second, I think they're trying to mess with me. I'm sure there's a guy in processing sitting around looking at people's queues and thinking to himself, "Hm, this is such a long queue, I bet she won't even notice if I add The Road Home to her list. I bet she'll even let it go so far that she watches it. Hey, Ferguson!! I got $20 says this girl watches The Road Home!! You in?!?!" (That last part was shouting across the office to Ferguson, the office whipping boy. I'll tell you about Ferguson some other time.)

So, yeah, Blockbuster is messing with my queue and messing with my head. And I have no idea what The Road Home is about, but Ferguson is probably about to lose $20, because it's working its way up the list.

Bad Marketing Plans, Part 1

So today I get into my boyfriend's car and on the front seat is a postcard with a picture of a blonde eastern European looking girl. She looks vaguely sedated and a little ashamed of herself, and her outfit is a little on the skanky--I mean sexy--side. Who is she? Is she a stripper? An escort? An invitation to participate in human trafficking?

Nope, she's a model. And the card is an invitation to join her agency.

So I asked J where he got the card, and he tells me he found it on his car.

"Wow," I said. "That's such a smart marketing plan! I can't think of any better way to discover models than by putting cards on cars the owner is nowhere near so you can't tell what they look like!"

Now, J is a handsome man. Unfortunately, he isn't a big fan of having his picture taken, so it's not likely he was going to sign on with the agency. Oh, and the card was looking for women. I love him, but, while he may be more feminine than Samantha Ronson, he's not exactly going to pass for a hot chick anytime soon.

Now, we live in a neighborhood where, if you park on the street, when you next get in your car, you're likely to find fliers and cars advertising everything from cleaning services to vacations to auto parts to discount calling cards with great rates to Mexico on them. And that's fine. Everyone needs a cleaning service or auto parts at one time or another, and a lot of the people in my neighborhood are both calling Mexico and looking to travel there pretty regularly.

But a modeling agency? I'm not sure you can just throw a card on someone's car and hit a model every time. I doubt you could do it 5% of the time. Particularly if the car is a PT Cruiser. In terms of ROI, you're probably not even going to break even.

On a scale of one to ten, with one being kind of weird but it just might work and ten being the worst idea ever, I give this modeling agency an 8.

No Man Can Eat 50 Eggs

Well, it's a sad day. One of the greatest actors of all time has died, leaving behind a legacy of phenomenal films, generous philanthropies and selfless humanitarianism. A man who could eat 50 eggs. Rest well, Mr. Newman.

M is for Movies!

So, Kim, over at Machine Ghost posted to her blog a 12-day movie marathon which someone else "tagged" her to do. So, even though no one tagged me, my ex-roommate (and the greatest roommate known to mankind, by the way) and I went to see the AMC Best Picture showcase last year--when AMC theaters show every best picture nominee back to back--I thought this idea was right up my alley. So, in honor of those 12 hours I spent sitting in the dark, I stole it. And just to make it a little bit harder, I'm going to make an effort not to include more than one film starring the same actor. In no particular order...

1. Memoirs of a Geisha
Okay, so Katie can totally tell you I put this movie on every night to put myself to sleep, but it's sooooo good! It's so pretty and the music is so great, there's no not loving it.

2. High Fidelity
Never mind that I am "of a certain age" where I fell deeply in love with John Cusak as Lloyd Dobler...a love that was cemented through his best films...Better Off Dead...Grosse Pointe Blank...Max...Martian Child (which I just saw and love), this is a great movie. His absolute refusal to grow up, his anger and depression at war for his soul, his elitism and his inability to express himself except through music is just so powerful and delicious.

3. Dawn of the Dead
Pick a version; they've both got their merits. I think the original is a little bit slow in the middle, but George A. Romero is a brilliant allegorist (is that a word? is now.) and Tom Savini is an absolute genius both on screen and in the SFX department. But, when the zombies come for us--and you know they're coming--I want Ving Rhames with me (although not Ving Rhames from Day of the Dead).

4. Iron Man
Julian's not in trouble anymore. Robert Downey, Jr. has done a streak of good ones...Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang...A Scanner Darkly...Tropic Thunder (or so I hear)...but he was born to play Tony Stark.

5. Saved!
It's time to get our Christ on! So many people have no sense of humor when it comes to religion. I, on the other hand, feel that if you hold something too sacred (pardon the pun) and don't ever think about it or look at it from a different angle, it loses its meaning. And Jenna Malone is just so brokenhearted over her loss of faith that you can't help but find her hysterically funny and hysterically tragic at the same time.

6. Bride and Prejudice
I love Jane Austen, and I love when Jane Austen is retold really well. And the color is great and the music is so much fun!

7. Shoot 'Em Up
This is a bad movie, it announces itself as a bad movie and it does not apologize for being a bad movie. Do you like puns? Do you like shooting? Do you like Clive Owen? You will like this movie.

8. Dedication
I already wrote about this one once, and Mandy Moore is also in Saved! so it's kind of against the rules, but it's so good!

9. Hotel Rwanda
What were you doing when Kurt Cobain died? Were you using your position as a hotel manager to save Rwandans? No? Well, this guy was. And while the people of Rwanda call him a bourgeois coward who saved a bunch of other bourgeois cowards, this movie is touching and will make you cry and be a little ashamed to be a citizen of the "civilized" world.

10. The Crow
Okay, so it's not a particularly great movie, but it's kind of a defining moment for so many members of a generation. Brandon Lee was poised to truly break out, and his death and all the mystery that surrounds it make the movie bigger than it really should be. And Detroit is worse than it seems in the film. But the soundtrack is amazing.

11. Sweeny Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street
Ah, a Johnny Depp film. You knew it was coming. What has he been in that he wasn't fabulous? Even Ed Wood, which was so awful, he was great in. And Helena Bonham Carter is amazing. Musicals don't really excite me, but this is great.

12. Reality Bites
Oh, come on. Of course. And I still actually really wish that Winona Ryder would pick Ben Stiller every time I see it. Ethan Hawke looks like he might be a little stinky.

Mikey McG's McMeme

Okay, so Mike over at FoolsCap "tagged" me with a meme, which apparently means I have to participate. I don't know, I'm a Blogger blogger, and I think tagging is a Wordpress thing. So I have to think of the six saddest songs I know and the saddest lines in them. And I think I'm supposed to put a picture of a sad clown with it. Well, the sad clown looks a little like he's giving the "give it to me here in the bushes, bad boy, 'cause I hate myself" look to a guy he's crawling in the park. So I hope I do better with the music. Here it goes:

The Six Saddest Songs I know...and the saddest lines in them

1. Daniel, by Elton John
Oh, and I can see Daniel waving goodbye
God it looks like Daniel, must be the clouds in my eyes

2. Happy Christmas (War is Over), by John Lennon
And so this is Christmas
For rich and the poor ones
The world is so wrong

3. Daddy's Hands, by Holly Dunn
If I could do things over I'd live my life again
And never take for granted, the love in Daddy's hands

4. I Will Follow You into the Dark, by Death Cab for Cutie
If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
I will follow you into the dark

5. Tears in Heaven, by Eric Clapton
I must be strong and carry on
Cause I know I don't belong
Here in heaven

6. Big Girls Don't Cry, by Fergie
And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I've got to get a move on with my life
Its time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry

So those are my memetastic choices. Okay? Meme that, Mike!

Do-it-Yourself Democrat Speech

Okay, so I was looking for something online that would prove to my Republican co-worker that people out there really are paying attention to the inconsistencies in Obama's speeches just like people are paying attention to the weirdness that is a Sarah Palin speech, and I stumbled across what you will find below. I promise you, I have not added any suggestions, subtracted any information or changed the DIY speech below in the least. And because it didn't come with a picture, please enjoy the image of Pixel above. Unfortunately, the cute part is aimed away from the camera.

"My fellow Americans, for too long now, (choose one)

Republicans
neo-cons
Norwegians
ferret-owners
_______________ have been trying to steal the

abortion rights
Social Security benefits
virginity
last beer in the 'fridge
_________________of hard-working, honest

senior citizens
single moms
chimneysweeps
eskimos
___________.


Working families
Organic farmers
The Cast of "Growing Pains"
____________________ will never reach the our shared goal of

universal health care
a living wage
unlimited trips to the salad bar
kickass guitar solos
_______________________as long as

President Bush
Senator McCain
Emmanuel Lewis
Carrot Top
_____________ and his cronies are still in charge.


Haliburton
Wal-Mart
Old Country Buffet
Wally's Auto Body
______________ is enjoying

record profits
tax breaks
delicious fudge
______________while

immigrants
the urban poor
middle class families
ninjas
________________ just struggle to make ends meet.


And the
wealthy land developers
SUV-drivers
1972 Miami Dolphins
____________________ are trying to ruin the environment too with their

McMansions
urban sprawl
dandruff
_____________.


There always seems to be money to give corporate welfare to

Big Oil
Big Drug Companies
Big Bird
Biggie Smalls
_______________,

but what about funding for

public schools
the fight against global warming
Billy Baldwin
________________________?


Its about time we start taxing

the wealthiest 1%
war profiteers
lemonade stands
______________so we have the money to finally eliminate

poverty
homelessness
athlete's foot
fire ants
___________.


To win, we'll need to struggle mightily against the awesome power of

the special interests
conservative talk radio
Total Rock 103.3 FM
the Hoover WindTunnel Vacuum
________________________,

but we're going to take our message of

hope
change
less talk, more rock
_______________ directly to the people.


With your help, we can win. Thank you and goodnight!"

I Heart Pacey 4-eva!

Okay, look at that picture. How could anyone have ever preferred Dawson to Pacey?? The only thing missing from that photo is my kitchen in the background.

But, there was a time not so long ago when I feared that Pacey--okay, okay, Joshua Jackson--was spiraling towards being known only as Diane Krueger's arm candy. Following his stellar turn as the well-meaning screw-up bad boy with a heart of gold who gets the girl in the end in Dawson's Creek, Josh took a few weirdo supporting roles (who can forget the weird blonde dye job he sported as the gay friend in Cruel Intentions for 3 seconds?) and seemed to disappear.

But never fear, Pacey Girls, he's back cashing checks! First, it was in the film Shutter, a remake of a Thai horror film. Yes, it was predictable, but yes, Joshua Jackson was as good as he could possibly be, considering what he was given to work with.

And now, he's playing the chameleon son of a brilliant but crazy scientist on the new Fox show Fringe. If you loved Pacey, you'll love Peter Bishop, his new character. He's the same sarcastic and charming con artist he played on the Creek, but now he's sort of grown into the kind of very adult observations he was credited with as Pacey. And he's still got his charming, disarming smile.

Fringe itself is actually a really good show--or at least, the first two episodes have been good. It focuses on shady government dealings (the FBI, CIA and a mysterious company called Massive Dynamic--what do we do? what don't we do!) and the field of fringe science. Fringe science is basically the attempt to extend some kind of scientific mastery over occult practices, such as mind reading and teleportation--crazy psychic stuff. It focuses on an FBI agent, Olivia, who is forced to work with an institutionalized scientist, Dr. Bishop, in order to save her lover, who bites it in the first episode, drawing her into the mysterious pattern being investigated by the CIA, FBI and Massive Dynamic. Or is it? Jackson plays Peter Bishop, Dr. Bishop's son who is extraordinarily intelligent and has managed to con his way through life. Peter is angry with his father for losing his mind and being institutionalized, and thus abandoning him, when he was a young boy, but, as his only living relative, he must be present as Dr. Bishop's guardian if Olivia is to keep working with him.

The show has pretty much everything you could possibly want--weird science, a crazy scientist, a reluctant heroine, a cow, and lots of sexual tension between Olivia and Peter. And best of all, it has Joshua Jackson's smile. Swoon!

Broken, Damaged People

Okay, so I was watching the movie Dedication, starring Mandy Moore and Billy Crudup, directed by Justin Theroux, which is a fantastic film. But, there's this moment where Henry (Crudup) and Rudy (Tom Wilkinson) are discussing Henry's girlfriend and Rudy explains that the girlfriend will leave Henry because he's actually a damaged person. Rudy says that women think they like damaged men, but what they really like is men who pretend to be damaged "in a complicated, let's talk about it over Chardonnay way."

And this made me think. Not about the obvious, which would be the gross oversimplification of women's desire for men who need to be fixed somehow, but about the idea of whether or not a person can truly be damaged.

We all have our little quirks and foibles and we carry the stigmas and baggages of things that have happened to us in the past. These things help to form the way we think about how other people think about us. For example, if someone is told over and over that people don't like them, they will expect that whenever they meet someone new, that person will by default be unable to like them. And then the unlikable person will, assuming they will not be liked, not make an effort to be charming and interesting and likable, and will therefore be disliked.

In Henry's case, he has OCD. He becomes somewhat agoraphobic in stressful situations and needs to lie down with heavy things on top of him to become calm again. He has to have things a certain way, he refuses to ride in a car because "statistically you have a 100% chance of being in an accident," he can only turn things counterclockwise, he is afraid of numbers, and (the most endearing of his quirks) he has a towel he cannot throw away because he thinks it may have feelings. Henry has real problems and issues. But should we say that he's broken?

I honestly don't believe it's possible for a person to be broken. I think it's possible for them to be hurt, angry, confused, scared and selfish, but not broken.

But broken is such a trendy buzzword for people who have feelings or who express negative emotions. Henry does and says things "no one" would ever really think to do or say in "real life." He gets angry at Rudy for giving away their Nicks tickets, so he tells a little girl there is no Santa Claus. He says hurtful things to Lucy (Moore). But Lucy isn't having any of it. She understands where these things are coming from and stands up to him, and he falls in love.

But back to being trendy. I think we've become a society so obsessed with being positive and upbeat and avoiding anything that's negative that anything or anyone who expresses negativity needs to be dismissed as wrong. Hence, broken people. If someone who is justifiably upset with the level of service they get at a restaurant and complains, other diners apologize to his waitress and tell her he's just an angry man. Something wrong with him, not with the experience. So many soma holidays for our Brave New World.

I think this is why so many films center around characters who are angry or disappointed or are in some other way expressed as broken. It makes them interesting. It makes them human. Far more human, in fact, than the idiot who calls them broken. Of course, they're usually fixed or on their way to being fixed when the end credits roll, but Hollywood still has to pander, after all.

I Ate This, Pt. 1

Okay, so I've been for the past month doing the South Beach diet, trying to lose an amount of weight approximately equivalent to like a second grader. At this point, I have lost one chin.

South Beach is low carb, high protein, high fiber with lots of green leafy veggies. It's particularly difficult for me because I LOVE carbs, particularly for breakfast. For the past few weeks, I've been eating omelets every weekend, so at this point, if I have to look at another omelet I will scream. And then I found this recipe for whole wheat vanilla pancakes.

Okay, so if you look at that picture, they don't look quite that tasty. Mine looked a lot better. And they were totally yummy! Even J thought they were as good as the pancakes I normally make. Throw on a little turkey bacon, and it's a yummy, healthy breakfast. To keep the sugar content (a.k.a., the carb count) low, I put low sugar strawberry jam on mine.

So, as part of an ongoing segment here on Ad Nihilum, I will share with you these things that I have eaten that actually taste good, so you can enjoy them as well! And next time, I will think ahead and put an actual photo of the actual food I made up for you!

Whole Wheat Vanilla Pancakes

1/2 Cup whole wheat flour
1 Tablespoon sugar
1/2 Teaspoon baking powder
1/4 Teaspoon baking soda
1/4 Teaspoon salt
1 egg
1/4 cup vanilla yogurt (I used light yogurt)
1/4 cup water
1 Tablespoon canola oil
1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract

Whisk together the flour, sugar, baking powder, soda and salt in one bowl. Set aside. In another bowl, whisk together the egg, yogurt, water, oil and vanilla. Combine wet and dry ingredients and stir until moistened. Pour batter into a non-stick pan over medium-high heat using approximately a 1/4 cup of batter per pancake. When bubbles appear, flip and cook till light brown. Makes 8-ish, equivalent to 2 servings.

Yum!

Vegas, Baby, Vegas

Ah, Las Vegas. The greatest trick Mexicans ever played on Americans. (For those who don't know, "las vegas" is Spanish for "the meadows.")

I was on a business trip to meet with a client at the ISSA conference in Las Vegas, and I just returned tonight. This business trip involved drinking margaritas the size of my head and indulging in all-you-can-eat Brazilian steak-house dinner (both of which resulted in some low-grade vomiting). Oh, and I did some business. Vegas, frankly, gives me the creeps. Mostly because it shouldn't exist.

Vegas is an entirely man-made oasis in the desert. They have to bus in water from Lake Mead, which is kind of a haul and there are palm trees planted everywhere which are not native to the desert. The resorts/casinos are all specifically themed and designed to make you think you're somewhere else in the world--Egypt, Italy, Paris, New York, Liberace's living room. Indoor shopping areas are paved to resemble cobblestone streets and skies are painted on the ceilings. Even the one natural element, the mountain, looks like something off Universal's back lot.

And the people. I've lived in Las Vegas, so I can say firsthand that it's the kind of place where you can go if you're Queen of England or Queen of the Trailer Park. Fashion extends from designer suits and couture dresses to fanny packs and sweatpants with camel toe. How in the hell do you get camel toe in a pair of sweatpants!!! I own one pair, and the crotchal-area is a good 8 inches below my lady-bits.

It's so good to be at home in Chicago!

Good or Bad?

MTV's VMAs as an Educational Experience

I've always been a huge fan of edutainment--just because something is entertaining doesn't mean you can't learn from it. Take tonight's VMAs. It was the 25th anniversary, so the presenters were doing their very best to teach us about the history of the awards show. I, however, learned a few things of my own.

1. The Jonas Brothers are lame.

I know there are millions of 13-year-old girls who would beat me into a smushy pulp for saying so, but seriously, they're lame. Their little performance, the three of them sitting on the fake steps of the Paramount back lot with their tiny guitars was so stripped down that you had to pay attention to the lyrics. Frankly, the price was too high. And then their set opens up and they run onto a stage like suddenly they're really going to rock out and a zillion neon-clad groupies (um, extras, kids, they were extras) rushed the stage to surround them. And then the floppy haired one tried to demonstrate how very hardcore he is by unsuccessfully ripping open his tweed vest. The best part? The curly headed one with the sideburns who didn't get to sing.

2. Rappers grab their crotches in order to hold their pants on.

So as Lil' Wayne, who I thought was in jail, came out onto the stage doing this splay-legged shuffle with his pants buckled around his mid-thigh area, I noticed that with every step he grabbed his crotch. Then I noticed that his entire rear end was outside of his pants. Ergo, all the crotch grabbing was solely to ensure that his pants stayed on. And I thought it was meant to demonstrate how enormous their junk was.

3. Pete Wentz thinks Spencer Pratt is a tool. Which means Pete and I have something in common other than being Ashlee Simpson fans.

4. MTV has no idea what rock music sounds like.

Linkin Park's sad-bastard ballad got the award for best rock video. Linkin Park used to be a rock band, but Madonna also used to be a virgin. Even Fall Out Boy has more rock cred than Linkin Park now. I'm pretty sure Miley Cyrus does too. But maybe not Hannah Montana.

5. Spelling doesn't count.

Paramore. Flo Rida. Tokio Hotel. And maybe Milli Vanilli destroyed my trust in people with thick European accents to make music that sounds like it's being sung very clearly in American English, but their beautiful androgynous male lead singer has a very thick German accent. Just saying.

6. Kid Rock should be stopped. If his performance at the VMAs (with a superfluous cameo from Lil' Wayne, who still can't figure out how to pull his pants up over his bum) didn't convince you, please check out the "Warrior" video.

Britney Spears looked fantastic, by the way, won two awards and dressed appropriately. Christina Aguilera, however, might have wanted to shed a few more pounds before strapping herself into that nylon and vinyl contraption she was wearing. Yikes!

Hello, New Blog

So, having just turned 29 and enjoying a bit of a crisis of lifestyle, I have decided to force my thoughts and opinions on the world. And the world should feel so lucky to have them. Especially since I went for the most pretentious title I could possibly find, I think it will be an extra-special treat for my readers. Both of them.