Ad nihilum in odio

The Future in My Head, or, Repo! The Genetic Opera

2009-05-27T17:35:00.000-07:00

If you liked Bladerunner and The Rocky Horror Picture Show, you will LOVE Repo! The Genetic Opera.

The film proposes a future in which an epidemic has created a need for genetically manufactured replacement organs. Enter GeneCo, a company that not only develops these lifesaving organs, but has also developed a painkiller derived from dead human bodies to make the surgeries and recoveries more palatable. This, of course, sets off a trend for elective surgeries to make over your insides (as well as your outsides). But, these surgeries are not cheap, and if you can't pay, well, the repo man comes!

I'll just put out there that, in my head, this is a totally realistic future. Medicine, like anything else, is an industry, and making money has become just as important as saving and improving lives. And I fully believe that there is a place in the future where if you can't afford that new nose job, someone will come to your house in the middle of the night and slice off your nose, leaving you bleeding on your pillows.

The movie is, as the title suggests, a rock opera. But, while some of the singing skills are a bit suspect (I'm looking at you, Paul Sorvino), the music is intense and a bit outside even what one expects from a rock opera. As a slice of background, Repo! was originally conceived of as a 10-minute opera, and from there morphed into a stage show, eventually becoming a film.

The film has a pretty ecclectic cast. It centers around the drama between two families, the Wallaces and the Largos. Rotti Largo (Sorvino) is the founder and president of GeneCo. His three children, the violent Luigi (Bill Moseley), the mask-clad Pavi (Ogre) and the surgery-obsessed spoiled heiress Amber Sweet (Paris Hilton). Rotti is dying, and has no intention of leaving his money and his empire to any of his disasterous children. Instead, he wants to leave the whole lot to Shilo Wallace (Alexa Vega), a 17-year-old girl dying of a blood disease.

But why Shilo? Well, her father, Nathan (Anthony Stewart Head), stole Shilo's mother from Rotti. When she became ill with the blood disease Shilo inherited, Rotti replaced the medication Nathan gave her mother with poison, causing her to die and Nathan to take drastic measures to save Shilo. When Nathan realizes his wife's death was his fault, he is so distraught and so afraid of having Shilo learn the truth, he is conned into becoming the Genetic Repo man, hunting down people who default on their organ payments and leaving them dead in the streets.

The whole thing comes to a head when Shilo is lured out of her home by Rotti and learns from Amber Sweet and Graverobber (writer Terrance Zdunich) that Genetic Opera star Blind Mag (Sarah Brightman) is about to have her eyes repossessed. Blind Mag, as it turns out, was Shilo's mother's best friend, so Shilo, not knowing her father is the Repo Man, begs him to help her find a way to save Blind Mag.

The film is visually stunning, which makes up for some of the more garbled singing, and it's incredibly sexy. But, more than that, there's so much for you to think about in it. The surgery craze, the quest to make even your intestines as attractive as possible, the sense of corruption, the post-apocalyptic morality, the drugs, the sex, the violence. Basically, if you want it in a movie, Repo! has it.

And, if nothing else, when Paul Sorvino turns to Paris Hilton and says, "You're disgusting," you can live vicariously through him.

Mmmmmm...Cake!

2009-04-26T14:04:00.000-07:00

While nothing could ever truly replace "Chimpanzee Riding on a Segway" in my heart, "Cake" comes close. Of course, we may all have nightmares about singing cats lunging at our faces, but still. I give you, "Cake!"

Ladies and Gentlemen, Good Taste has Left the Building

2009-04-24T13:51:00.000-07:00

This is wrong.

Nothing like commemorating the first African American president with a terra cotta planter growing a nappy grassfro. I was totally horrified when I saw the ad for the first time. I mean, Chia Pets are something you pick up at the drug store on your way to the office Christmas party because you drew the one person you really don't like in the gift exchange. They're tacky and, having been on the receiving end of one (a clown, from my father of all people), I can tell you that they don't really grow in a lush even coating of chia plant. They grow as more of a spotty, mangy mess. So, instead of a semi-racist afro, you'll end up with something that looks a little like it has some kind of flesh-eating disease.

And, it doesn't even look like Obama! If it didn't have his name on it, I wouldn't have recognized it as anything other than another ugly planter.

So here's my question...does Obama's likeness have to be licensed? Or can you use the president's image in ways that no human being wants to be replicated or represented? I mean, if I was commemorated with a Chia Head, I'd be looking for faces to punch. If you want to use any other celebrity, then you have to ask and pay a fee and whatnot. Now that we're in the position of having a celebrident, shouldn't he have had to give permission and be paid for the misuse of his likeness? And if he did, does he really think he's that weird-looking?

About Doubt...

2009-04-22T11:33:00.000-07:00

I still can't figure out how Slumdog Millionaire won the Oscar for best picture. Of course, of the movies it was nominated with, I have only seen Milk, but I can tell you that, were it up to me, it wouldn't even have been nominated. There were far, far better films that weren't nominated, including The Wrestler (which is now out on video, if you didn't see it already), and last night's viewing joy, Doubt.

I have to preface this by saying two things: One, if you haven't seen the movie, don't read any further, because I may well ruin it for you, and, Two, I have a deep and abiding love for Philip Seymour Hoffman. He may have a somewhat cavalier attitude towards grooming, but I have never seen him in anything in which his performance has disappointed me--including films I didn't really care for. Whether he's a washed-up child star who "sharts" at a party, or a lonely man who makes obscene phone calls in an attempt to make a connection to another human being, or a sad, desperate man in love with a porn star, or a failed genius trying to capture his life in a play, or a skeezy tabloid reporter, or a maverick CIA agent, or one of the greatest authors of the 2oth century, the man cannot get it wrong. I insist he is one of the greatest actors working today.

And, in Doubt, he plays Father Brendan Flynn, a progressive Catholic priest who may or may not have had an inappropriate relationship with Donald Miller (Joseph Foster) a 12-year-old black student--the only black student at the school. He holds his own next to powerhouse Meryl Streep, who gives a dynamite performance as Sister Alyosius Beauvier, the strict and traditional school principal. Amy Adams brings in a sweetness and naivete as Sister James, who sets suspicions in motion. Kind of.

The film is not really about whether or not a priest molested a boy, but really brings together issues of tradition and progress, power struggles, faith, tolerance, and race. Prior to any suspicion of wrongdoing on Father Flynn's part, Sister Alyosius is already not a big fan of his, thanks to their conflicting ideas about how religion should be practiced, how education should be structured, and how children should be treated. Father Flynn is far more permissive, and talks to the boys at the school instead of lecturing them. So, when Sister James reports to Sister Alyosius that, when the one and only black student at their school returns to her class following a meeting with Father Flynn in the rectory acting strangely and smelling of alcohol, Sister Alyosius is already primed to believe the worst and seizes the opportunity to possibly have the priest removed.

Doubt is based on director John Patrick Shanley's stage play of the same name, which is a far more sparse production with only four characters...the two nuns, the priest, and the boy's mother, Mrs. Miller. In the film, Mrs. Miller (played by Viola Davis) adds a new layer to the mystery and scandal surrounding her son's relationship with Father Flynn. She reveals not only that her son's own father doesn't care for him, but that she is willing to turn a blind eye to any impropriety not only to give her son a better chance at getting into a good high school, but because if there is any impropriety betwixt man and boy, there's a possibility her son might not be completely innocent.

The film is amazing on so many levels, and Shanley's background in the theater is evident in the way the characters move around one another and the angles from which the camera captures them. For example, in the scene where the accusations come to light, the power struggle between priest and nun is clearly communicated through blocking, action and movement. The scene is set in Sister Aloysius's office. Sister James must be present because the nuns are not allowed to be alone with men, including priests. Father Flynn is superior in position to both the nuns. When they prepare to begin their discussion, which is ostensibly about the Christmas pagent, Father Flynn takes the chair behind Sister Aloysius's desk. The sister is clearly taken aback, so she opens the blinds, which shines sunlight directly into Father Flynn's eyes. She takes her seat next to Sister James, but when Father Flynn gets up to close the blinds, she moves into the chair he vacated, and refuses to stand lest her place be usurped again. Father Flynn, in turn, does not sit down again, re-establishing his superiority over Sister Aloysius by physically standing over her.

The film is not one for people who like their movies tied up at the end with a neat bow and an unnecessary and superfluous Bollywood dance number. Although Father Flynn leaves the school, there is no resolution to what happened between Father Flynn and the boy. Some viewers will believe that the boy was molested. Others will believe that Flynn takes the easy way out, and may or may not be disappointed in him for not fighting the charges. Others will believe that Flynn's decision protects the boy from gaining even more attention in a space where he's already not wanted or accepted by his peers. But, if they are interested in a film that challenges them to think about what they're seeing and are comfortable being made uncomfortable by having their assumptions challenged, then they will all agree that they have seen a phenomenal movie.

It's Raining Gay Men

2009-04-21T16:02:00.000-07:00

For anyone who hasn't seen the posting on my buddy Mike's blog regarding NOM's "Gathering Storm" anti-gay marriage ad, you might want to just link over there first, or this might not make a good deal of sense to you. Just a quickie...NOM is the National Organization for Opposite Marriage, a group that is apparently very afraid of gay marriage. Yes, I know it should be abbreviated NOOM, but I've found bigotry and common sense don't go together very well, so there you have it.

Anyway, in the wake of NOM's gathering storm and Miss California's honest response to a question regarding gay marriage legislation, celebrities both gay and straight have created a video parody and have posted it as one of the few funny things on Funny or Die. But, because I like you all so very much, I've posted it here. My personal favorite is the guy who parodies the guy from the NOM ad that clearly doesn't speak any English.

A Gaythering Storm from Jane Lynch

Ninjapocalypse Now

2009-04-18T18:55:00.000-07:00

Such a what?

2009-04-11T18:37:00.001-07:00

Take a quick look at the picture on the left. Ignore the giant ugly necklace, the asinine tattoos, including tears on the face. Pretend you don't notice that it's too warm for a shirt, and yet cold enough that the pink cammo jacket needs to have its hood on. Look past the pastel boxers to the matching pastel patterned belt. Please note the buckle.

Lil' Wayne is clearly an idiot. How else could you possibly explain a belt buckle that says "RAPE?" Now, the purpose of the belt buckle is unclear (other than that it ostensibly holds his pants around his thighs). Is he in favor of it? Is he asking for it?

I can't answer those questions. But, the buckle might explain something I overheard recently.

I was waiting for the bus, and there were two little boys standing next to me. They were probably 8 or 9 years old, wearing their little school uniforms with their little blue ties on. Boy A, however, was clearly a little bit cooler than Boy B, and Boy B was trying really hard to try to impress Boy A. Unfortunately, B wasn't doing a very good job of it, and he said something really goofy. A gives him this kind of withering look.

Now, let's be interactive for a second. Did A say:

1. You're such a retard.
2. You're such a nerd.
3. You're such a weirdo.
4. You're such a rapist.

If you guessed that A looked at B and said, "You're such a rapist," you'd be correct. A then followed it up by singing at B, "You're a ray-pist, you're a ray-pist!"

Meanwhile, I'm just standing there thinking, "What the hell??" I mean, that's kind of a weird insult. And how does a kid come up with that kind of insult? And does he even know what that means?

I don't want to immediately blame the rap community, because I'd hope that one douchey rapper with an inappropriate belt buckle wouldn't have that enormous an impact. I also don't want to blame the parents, because the fact that they were waiting for public bus instead of on a school bus or being picked up at the school by their parents doesn't mean that the parents aren't paying enough attention to them. It's entirely possible that the parents are huge Law and Order SVU fans and that's where the kid picked up the word. Or that the kids had some sort of safety class at school where they heard the word.

But, I'm still really unsettled by the kids. I just don't understand where any of it came from.

Finally, Good News!

2009-04-06T16:02:00.000-07:00

After being offered jobs writing for adult websites, having had my information sold, interviewed for jobs only to learn that they were for positions that might exist someday, and taken a number of icky temp jobs, I've been rescued from jobless hell. One day shy of a full five months of unemployment, I've been invited to rejoin the work force! You are reading the words of the newest sales associate for Aflac.

It's a slightly scary leap, because the job is entirely commission based, but I think I can sell well enough to get myself back into the black. I still need to get my broker's license (so, if that gets screwed up, then I guess I'm back to step one) but I'm feeling really good about this. I'm excited about the possibility of being able to afford brand-name cheese again!

My Number One New Favorite Show

2009-03-31T18:52:00.001-07:00

After the disappointing season finale of Big Love (okay, so maybe Joey killed Roman Grant, but other than that, it just fell flat), I was wondering what I would do with my Sunday nights. But then, along came HBO's new series, The No. 1 Ladies' Detective Agency. I didn't read the books (mostly because I never thought it looked interesting), but following the 2-hour season premier, I am hooked.

In Botswana, where a woman is still culturally insignificant without a man, Precious Ramotswe (American actress Jill Scott) has divorced her abusive husband following a beating so bad she lost a baby. Her father has recently passed away, leaving her a very wealthy woman--in terms of having a lot of cattle. So she sells off some of her cattle and opens her own detective agency.

A woman can't do it all on her own. She hires a quirky, high-strung, totally OCD secretary, Grace Makutsi (Anika Noni Rose, the other girl from Dreamgirls), whose business sense may keep them afloat, even when her weirdo outbursts threaten to scare the clients away. She is also befriended by BK (Desmond Dube) and the local mechanic who is carrying a brightly burning torch for her, JLB Matekoni (Lucian Msamati).

In the first episode, she takes on two cases, that of a woman who suspects her husband of cheating and of a man who thinks one of his employees has filed a false insurance claim against him. She solves both cases, but both of them have a little twist. She proves the woman's husband is cheating by letting him come home from a bar with her and taking photos of them, but the woman refuses to believe he cheats, instead calling Precious a slut who seduced her husband. The man who is scamming his employer is actually a habitual insurance defrauder, but he donates all his winnings to a school for orphans.

She also investigates a witchdoctor's bag JLB finds in a very important person's car, and, in trying to locate the witchdoctor, finds a missing child the nation has been looking for. I think this is a really important element of the program; it shows how Botswana is both becoming modernized and developed and hanging on to its tribal and superstitious traditions. Both worlds exist in the same space, which is leading to corruption, kidnapping and other unseemly practices.

I'm excited to see more of this show. I have a real interest in Africa, in terms of the cultures that exist there and how they're represented on television and in books and films. Who knows, maybe I'll even read the books!

Back in Bad!

2009-03-29T10:32:00.001-07:00

Hey readers! Just an FYI...after more than a month, the Bad Movie Blog is back in action. It's not that I haven't seen any bad movies. I totally saw The Wackness, Zack and Miri Make a Porno, Vampire's Kiss, and a whole bunch more, but I just didn't get around to writing about them. But, if you check it now, you'll see just how bad Twilight was, and how uncomfortable watching Rachel Getting Married will make you!

Big Gay Glass of Milk

2009-03-22T11:49:00.000-07:00

I finally watched Gus Van Sant's Milk last night. It's actually a really smart, well-done film, as anyone who is familiar with Van Sant's work would expect. In case you've been living under a rock, it tells the story of Harvey Milk, the first openly gay man elected to a major office. Milk was a pretty interesting and engaging character (in the sense of a real human being having a character), but he had the great misfortune of living for 40 years mostly closeted and in fear of himself, and only having a few years to really blossom and be himself before being assassinated by Dan White.

The film's plot is pretty unremarkable...gay man turned activist galvanized the gay community in San Francisco in the 1970s, ran for office several times before being elected and served one year before being murdered, along with Mayor George Moscone, by fellow city supervisor Dan White (who served nearly no jail time, thanks to his now-infamous "Twinkie defense"). But, I think the fact that the plot is so unremarkable is the reason it works; it allows Milk to be a real human being. This is not to say that there were not remarkable events in Milk's life or that he didn't do remarkable things because neither would be true. It's just a very simply told story without any sort of sensationalism.

Van Sant was very careful, since many of the people portrayed are still alive, to use as many of those people who were there as historical resources, even casting some of the more peripheral characters (like Teamster Allan Baird) as themselves in the film, and including everyone they possibly could in the crowd scenes or as extras. I think this prevents the film from becoming an epic, overblown series of mythologies about Milk (see Ray if you don't get what I'm saying) and really grounds the film so you can identify with Harvey Milk. Unfortunately, now that I've seen the film, I can definitively say Mickey Rourke deserved the best actor award and Sean Penn shouldn't have beaten him. I had hoped I wouldn't.

What the film does for me, however, is what so much controversy about gay rights always does; it causes me to wonder why. Why is what other people do so important to so many people? How does someone else's sexuality or race or religion or whatever affect another person so deeply that they have to stop them from living their own lives? Who really cares?

Obviously, this is not to say that everyone should be able to do whatever they want. Murderers, rapists and pedophiles, for example, should probably not be allowed to wander around doing their thing. But how does one person's sexuality affect another person? What business is it of anyone else's if someone doesn't want to marry a person of the opposite sex and have a bunch of babies? Is your morality compromised by allowing other people to have their own moral code? Is your own soul somehow damned if you don't tell another person that your god damns them? It's not as though gay people run around recruiting like the Marines.

I just don't understand. There's no reason for people to be so interested in what other people do in their private lives if it doesn't affect you. And who other people choose to spend their time and their lives with doesn't affect you.

What the freakishly intelligent do with too much time on their hands.

2009-03-20T19:59:00.000-07:00

Machines that Almost Fall Over from Michael Kontopoulos on Vimeo.

Blockbuster's New Bad Idea

2009-03-07T11:14:00.001-08:00

One of the things that I love about my Blockbuster Online account is that I can exchange the movies they've mailed me for movies in the store, and then they send the next movie in my queue...so I'm never without a movie. Except, in their infinite wisdom, Blockbuster has decided to change this policy so now, when I return a movie I got in the mail at a store, I have to return the movie I got at the store before they'll send me a new movie.

This is totally unfair and annoying, and, frankly, defeats the purpose of having the ability to make in-store exchanges. I don't want to wait around, watching the movies I already own when my roommate is too annoying for me to tolerate her presence any longer and I retreat to my room. I might as well just switch to Netflix.

Another problem I have with the whole Blockbuster Online vs. Netflix thing, is that, although both companies offer online rentals for immediate download, Blockbuster makes you PAY for them and it's not available for my Mac. Of course, Blockbuster offers newer titles than Netflix does, but I don't think that I should have to pay for them in addition to paying for my monthly rental fee.

So thanks a lot, Blockbuster. You've taken a great service that worked really well for me and wrecked it. Now it's going to take me even longer to get through the 160 titles on my list!

More Unsolicited Frustration

2009-02-27T08:25:00.001-08:00

I just can't take it anymore. If my cell phone rings one more time with an unknown or unavailable number and it's not someone calling to offer me a job interview, I think I will scream, cry, break things and tear my own hair out. Or, if I get one more random email, or find one more unsolicited magazine or catalogue in my mailbox.

Thus far, in the two days since I last wrote about this, I have received:

A phone call from Publishers House letting me know that using my credit card has entered me into a drawing for a million dollars, so if I could just tell them which brand of credit card I preferred they'll put me into the final drawing.
Three catalogues filled with clothing appropriate only for women at least 20 years older than I am.
A catalouge where nothing came with its actual price, but the number and amount of each installment payment it would take to actually purchase the item.
Three additional phone calls, on my cell phone, offering to help match me with the best college so I can finally get the bachelor's degree I've always needed to change my life.
A phone call from a barely intelligible speaker from a call center in India or Pakistan or wherever letting me know about a prize I had won and I would have to fill out a survey to receive so I should be on the lookout for an email he was sending with that survey so I would get my prize.
An invitation to learn more about the graduate programs at Loyola University (this may actually have been a result of applying to UIC, but the timing makes it suspect).
A free four-issue subscription to Us Weekly. This doesn't suck right now, but when I get a letter a week asking for payment for a year's worth of more issues, I'm going to be hellamad.

I can't deal anymore. I have my suspicions about which job board it was that sold my information, but, because I can't prove it, I can't name them here. I can tell you it wasn't Monster, Hot Jobs or Career Builder, but a smaller, more specialized one.

Switching gears to more positive news, I think the interview I had the other day went well, and I should be hearing soon about an in-office interview with the company. I well-known reputable company which is clearly in no way responsible for the trauma I am going through with this crazy phone harassment. Keep wishing me luck!

Job Hunting...ARRRRRGGGGHHHH!!!

2009-02-24T10:03:00.000-08:00

I've now been without a job for nearly four months, and have actually been job hunting for about six. And, frankly, looking for work is almost a full-time job in itself.

When you look at the job boards, like Monster or Hot Jobs, a lot of what you encounter is scams. Companies like Marketing FX, SMI or Work In Sports advertise themselves as marketing firms with big-name clients, but, when you research the companies, you find that they are actually looking for people to go door to door and bring people The Good News of the Chicago White Sox...like Jehovah's Witnesses, with bumper stickers.

So, before you send out your application, you really have to research the company, and check all the rip-off reports you can find to ensure the one you're looking at isn't on there. And yet, somehow, you can still miss something.

I have applied for a job recently which, instead of calling me for an interview, sold my email address and CELL PHONE NUMBER to companies. I have gotten phone calls from five different companies that want to help me learn how I can finally get a bachelor's degree. They are all under the impression that I asked them for this information. Of course, I earned my bachelor's degree 8 years ago, my master's degree 4 years ago, and expect to receive my PhD in approximately 4 years. So, I guess you could say I have the bachelor's degree covered.

I have also been offered, thanks to this phony job application, the opportunity to subscribe to several different magazines, to start my own business and to test a new mascara not yet available on the market. And these are all offers that have been made via phone. Via my cell phone, burning up my minutes for opportunities I neither want nor requested.

Shouldn't this be illegal? The worst of it is, I have sent out so many applications that I don't know which one might be responsible for making my life even more difficult. Actually, that's not the worst of it. The worst is that every time I see a number I don't recognize, or get a call from an unavailable number, for a moment, my heart soars up into my throat thinking that I'm getting a call to offer me an interview, which is followed by an inevitable crash and a vile knot in my stomach as I want to scream at the person on the other end of the phone to stop bothering me.

But, it's not all bad. Tomorrow, I have a phone interview, so anyone who reads this should send good thoughts or positive vibes or sacrifice a chicken or whatever it is you do to make good things happen!

How To...

2009-02-22T11:29:00.000-08:00

Load the Dishwasher.

Step One: Make sure that there are no clean dishes in the dishwasher. One would think this would be an obvious step, but no, apparently, there are people stupid enough to not get it.

As an addendum to this step, if you are putting away dishes that you find in the dishwasher, please ensure that they are actually clean. For example, if there are milk rings on the bottoms of glasses or ketchup stains on plates, they are probably not clean and should not be put away.

Step Two: Scrape and Rinse the dishes you intend to load into the dishwasher. If there are chunks on it, those chunks are not going to magically disappear during the wash. In fact, they will actually be broken down into smaller chunks and sprayed onto the rest of the dishes, which will then have to be rewashed.

If, in the process of scraping them, you discover something burned on (like on a pot or a pan) don't put that in the dishwasher. The dishwasher is not filled with magical elves who scrub the dishes clean while the door is closed. There is only hot water being sprayed onto the dishes, so if something is dried on or cooked on, you're going to have to wash it by hand because it just isn't going to come clean.

Step 3: Organize the dishes properly. Smaller items, such as glasses, should go on the top shelf. Fragile items, like plastic storage dishes, should also go on the top shelf, where the water is slightly less hot and and slightly less forceful. Larger items, like plates, should go on the lower shelf.

Make sure that the dishes are positioned so the dirty parts will get maximum exposure to the water. If the water comes up from the bottom, you shouldn't position, for example, glasses so that the opening in the glass is pointing away from the water. Also pay attention to the natural angles and openings in the dishwasher. The water is on rotating blades, and, frequently, the racks in the dishwasher will be angled so that the dirty sides of the dishes will be facing the water, so it's really best to follow those lines.

Step 4: Load in the silverware. Pointy items, like forks and knives, should be loaded with the pointy ends facing the bottom of the dishwasher. Most cutlery baskets have holes in the bottom, and those holes will help to hold the pointy ends steady so they get cleaner. Spoons should be placed rounded-end up, otherwise the water pressure causes them to nestle against one another and not get clean. Large items, like chef's knives or spatulas will get cleaner if they're lying flat in the top rack.

Step 5: Add the dish soap. Make sure you close the lid on the soap dispenser.

Step 6: Turn the dishwasher on. This seems like a no-brainer, but some people seem to believe that the dishwasher has a psychic connection with you and knows you want it to come on and wash the dishes.

Step 7: When the dishes are washed and the drying cycle is finished, open the dishwasher and check the dishes. If they're still wet, leave the dishwasher open a crack to help them dry. If they're dry, put them away. As you put them away, check them to make sure there's nothing dirty stuck to them. If you find something on a dish, don't put it away. Put it back in the dishwasher or wash it by hand.

Repeat the whole process!

Next time, we'll be discussing how important it is to clean up a mess when you make it. Like when you spill coffee on the floor in front of your roommate's door.

Back from the dead!

2009-02-20T18:49:00.000-08:00

So, on Tuesday, the much-anticipated (at least by me) film Dead Like Me: Life After Death came out. Unfortunately, it was released straight to video, which means there's a very good possibility it will be the only film to try to pick up where the program left off.

If you've not seen the television show, you can catch a brief overview here. The film picks up three years after the television show ends, with George, Roxy, Mason and Daisy (played now by Sarah Wynter) still reaping souls. Unfortunately, the story line for the film didn't include Rube (Mandy Patinkin), who was replaced by suave British businessman Cameron Kane (Henry Ian Cusick). Cameron isn't a big fan of Rube's Post-it notes and day planner, or his daily meetings at Der Waffle House (which burned down at the very beginning of the film), so he opts for a standing reservation at a swanky restaurant, Palm Treos, and sexy parties in his lavish home.

But something isn't right. Cameron's corrupt decadence and laissez-faire attitude towards the rules by which all the reapers live soon has everyone breaking the rules...with wild consequences.

The biggest sub-plot to the film deals with George's family. George has always watched her family, but has been expressly forbidden to interact with them. But, through a mess with an incorrect time of death, she ends up trying to reap her sister's secret boyfriend, which brings her and her sister together and she reveals her true identity, causing her troubled sister to try to forge a new relationship with her.

Meanwhile, the other reapers discover that their new boss doesn't have their best interests at heart and embark on a plot to destroy him. But how does one kill an undead reaper?

The film ends with an opening for a sequel, which, if you watch the special features, the director and the stars are all interested in doing. Honestly, the film is a bit more like a 2-hour series finale, with some resolution, but nothing really finalized.

It was nice to see a continuation of the story, but it only left me wanting another movie...or another hour-long episode each week. It was a bit sad to see Rube gone, since he was one of my favorite characters, and the film relegated the other characters more to players in George's story, whereas in the show, everyone had their own story narrated by George. Overall, though, I think anyone who enjoyed the show will enjoy the movie as well...and if you didn't see the show, rent both seasons, then rent the film!

Craziness on Big Love

2009-02-16T20:04:00.001-08:00

Okay, so we're a few episodes into the third season of HBO's Big Love, and this season is much darker and heavier than the previous two.

Roman Grant was acquitted of violations of the Man Act, and is now kind of free...he's under house arrest in a hotel. Nicki, who helped to drive off the witnesses against him by infiltrating the DA's office using Margene's identity quit her job but is being pulled back thanks to a flirtation with a lawyer (who actually used to occasionally guest star on Who's Line is it Anyway?). The family married Ana, who, in less than a day, asked them for a divorce because she, like I do, felt the balance of the family worked best with only 3 wives (there's also a sort of religious component to keeping only 3 that Bill's mother mentioned--ideally, a man should have either 3 or 7 wives). And Sarah is pregnant.

But the thing that's making this season so heavy is the level of corruption to which Bill seems to be sinking. At the end of last season, his overwhelming zeal for bringing down Roman Grant had him falling all over himself to steal Weber Gaming and pitting one polygamous group against the other. But this season he's getting in much, much deeper. He's still on his crusade to destroy Juniper Creek, but his determination to maintain Weber Gaming has him pulling some shady deals. First of all, Home Plus is losing money, but he's still ignoring it. Now he's getting into government dealings to prevent a gaming ban from going through, making deals to bring down Alby Grant while making deals with Alby Grant. You can see in his eyes and in the way he drops everything for some shady dealing that he's becoming less of a good man and more of a man possessed by greed and corruption.

The other heavy moments are coming from Sarah and her unwanted pregnancy. Ben wants her to give the baby to her parents to raise, but she wanted to give it away for adoption. This led to a very heavy-handed moment where Sarah, Ben and Heather all went to interview a prospective adoptive couple. Well, the woman had major-league OCD, and the husband was fighting his SSA--same sex attraction. They were actually brought together by a church leader to help "heal one another." This is actually not uncommon practice for Mormons; when I lived in Las Vegas, I had a friend who was both Mormon and openly gay, and he was continually being bombarded by other gay Mormon men who had decided to live as straight men "for their own eternal salvation" attempting to convince him to do the same. These men frequently offered him women who had agreed to (or "been called to") be married to gay men in order to save their souls. This created a weird preachy moment where Ben, Sarah and Heather, who is struggling with her own same-sex attraction to Sarah, discussed the morality of homosexuality and whether it's right or wrong, as well as whether the practice of gays marrying straight was right or wrong.

In the last episode, though, Sarah decided she wants to keep her baby, and she and Heather fantasized about both going to Arizona State University (Sarah got in; Heather would apply to go with her), living together and working together to raise the baby as a family. This opens up a new space to explore Heather's sexuality, and for me to hope Heather will get her own storyline.

As Bill spirals out of control and Sarah's pregnancy may be moving towards a point where she can no longer hide it from her family, the series is getting heavy...and the jury is still out on whether this is a good way for it to go.

Another Turnip on a Fork

2009-02-13T18:05:00.000-08:00

So, on GetBack they have a listing of commonly misunderstood song lyrics. It has the old standards on there...Jimi Hendrix singing excuse me while I kiss this guy, one of a thousand different misunderstood lyrics from Rock the Casbah, the famous douche line from Blinded by the Light and a bunch more. Even Beck's line from Loser, "Soy un perdator," which most people think is "So I shut the door," and which I thought was "soy gum predator." Not very creative.

When it comes to people messing up song lyrics, no one tops my sister. Remember Green Day's Time of Your Life? The first line is, "Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road." While driving along one day, she belted out, "Another turnip on a fork, stuck in the road." I nearly drove us into a cliff I was laughing so hard. Why would Green Day be singing about a turnip? A turnip. Really.

J, for ages, thought the lyrics to Ask by The Smiths were "If it's not love, then it's the bond, the bond, the bond that will bring us together." A reasonable mistake, but the true story is that "it's the bomb that will bring us together." The album is called "Louder then Bombs," after all, not "Louder than Bonds."

No one knows the lyrics to Journey's Don't Stop Believing. I personally hate Journey, so the only way I can stand to hear the song is when my friend, who would be mortified if I named her, sings the first line of the chorus "Strangers, waiting, trying to drown a bowl of art." (The lyric, by the way is "Strangers waiting up and down the boulevard."

When I first heard Prince's Little Red Corvette, I thought the lyrics were "Pay the rent Collette." Of course, once I knew the name of the song, I figured it out. And while we're talking about Prince, and there are either 22, 23 0r 24 positions in the one night stand he sings about in Gett Off. I did some digging, and the general consensus seems to be 23. I also thought TLC's Waterfalls didn't say "Don't go chasing waterfalls," but said, "Go-go Jason what a fool."

So tell me, darlings, what songs did you and yours get wrong in a super-funny and creative way?

Why are people so stupid?

2009-02-13T15:34:00.000-08:00

So, I got a package in the mail yesterday. That's not the stupid part.

Not only did the mailman not bother to ring the bell to see if I was at home before putting a delivery slip in the box and taking the package back to the post office, but the guy spelled my name all kinds of wrong. The slip was made out to Ellun Donanahney.

Ellen is not a hard name to spell. Donaghy can be a little tougher. However, it becomes much, much easier to spell when you consider that it's written on the package which the mailman has in his hand as he makes out the delivery slip.

You know when else it's easier to spell? When you're my landlord, and it's written on my lease.

Yep, my landlord decided that, instead of checking our lease for the correct spelling of my name to put on our mailbox, he would text message me at 1:30 in the morning, when I was quite obviously asleep.

What is wrong with these people?!?!?

We're Number 3!

2009-02-10T19:20:00.000-08:00

Whoo-hoo! On Forbes magazine's list of the the ten most miserable cities in America, Chicago ranks number 3!

Why? Well, for one, we have the rising unemployment rates (I've been out of work for three months now). And, since no one is working, no one can afford the 10.3% sales tax here in the city. And there's the small matter of corruption...Barack Obama may have adopted Chicago as his hometown, but Rod Blagojevich is from here too, along with 358 other public officials who've been convicted of crimes in the last decade. Oh, and though it got up to 65 degrees today (look at the blue sky in the photo I took today), it's really effin cold here for most of the winter, then really effin humid during the summer.

Where did your city rank? Well, Detroit slipped from number one to number seven, just behind Flint, Michigan. St. Louis ranked number 10. Stockton, California, is number one, with only 15% of residents having a college education and unemployment at nearly 15%. Memphis, Tennessee is number two, which proves to me that country music leads to depression. Cleveland is number 4, with Modesto, California, car-theft capital of the U.S., at number 5. Number 8 is Buffalo, New York, which gets 90 inches of snow, but is where hot wings were born, and number nine is Miami, thanks to a housing collapse.

Now, I've lived in both Chicago and Detroit, and I cannot imagine that Detroit is less miserable than Chicago. No way!

A New Meaning to Classic Comic Books

2009-02-07T12:55:00.000-08:00

My favorite book is getting a Marvel-ous makeover! Marvel Comics is putting out a five-issue telling of Jane Austen's classic novel Pride and Prejudice as part of their best-selling novels collection (also included The Stand and The Wizard of Oz). The issue will be available with the April releases, and will sell for $3.99 an issue.

I think Pride and Prejudice has got to be one of the most re-told and re-imagined books ever (not counting the Cinderella story). Authors continue to churn out novel after novel after novel that picks up where the story ends, sharing the details of what happens once the wedding bells stop ringing and Elizabeth Bennet becomes Elizabeth Darcy. There are also novels that retell the story from Darcy's point of view. And who can forget the infamous April Fool's Day joke Pride and Promiscuity: The Lost Sex Scenes of Jane Austen, which had Austen scholars in an uproar trying to verify the authenticity of the writings.

I'll be honest with you, I've never read any of them. And the reason I've so studiously avoided them is because I love Pride and Prejudice so very deeply that I'm afraid, like Kiera Knightley's acting, reading these continuations of the novel will ruin the original story for me. So I'm deeply torn over whether or not to attach myself to the comic book versions.

Fan fiction is funny that way. Someone takes something they love so deeply that they have to keep creating more of it, taking control of the aspects of the story they love and exploring it deeper. But what happens if it ruins it for someone else?

Good News for Harvey Dent

2009-02-06T19:28:00.001-08:00

Just when you think medical science has gone to the limits by pulling people's organs out of far flung orifices, someone gets a face transplant.

Although it's the fourth ever to be done, it's the first in the U.S., and the most extensive facial transplant ever. The transplant recipient, who suffered a traumatic facial injury that left her with no nose or palate, and unable to eat or breathe, has had 80 percent of her face replaced with bone, muscles, nerves, skin and blood vessels from another woman who had just died. She now has a new nose and lip.

Although the procedure was performed in Cleveland (Cleveland, people), the woman's identity and whereabouts are being withheld at her request. She, however, is showing no signs of rejecting her new face, and she has said that she had full feeling and it feels just like her old face.

Honestly, I'm glad this woman is able to return to a regular life, but I have to wonder about this whole face transplant thing and what it looks like. I've seen photos of other people who've had partial face transplants, and they mostly look like they've been scarred in a fire. Does this woman look like the person she got the face from, or has it been sculpted to look more like her original self? Obviously, it's not going to look as exact as in Face/Off, but I wonder if it looks like she's just had extensive plastic surgery (like someone with a nose job and cheek implants) or if she looks like a warped version of the deceased woman who donated her face.

And what about the family of the face donor? I mean, I guess if you were planning on cremating your deceased relative anyway, they don't really need their face anymore. But could you imagine walking down the street and seeing someone with your relative's face coming towards you? Especially when you consider that the recipient got 80% of someone else's face, and, from what I read, it sounds like it was mostly the middle part, which might be recognizable. The doctors are also saying that, because the transplant was so extensive, that she doesn't look like someone who's had a facial transplant. But who does she look like?

Although there are ethical concerns surrounding facial transplants (it's a quality of life procedure, rather than a lifesaving procedure), the team that did this woman's transplant is working on further research for the military to explore the possibility of providing facial transplants to soldiers who have been dangerously disfigured in the line of duty.

They pulled a kidney out of her where?

2009-02-04T23:23:00.000-08:00

Okay, I'm probably the last person to see this story about transvaginal kidney removal. Although the procedure has only been used about 300 times worldwide and is normally used to remove dead or damaged organs, this is the first time a donor kidney had been removed via the vagina (un-donateable kidneys, gall bladders and apendixes have also been removed via the vagina, anus and mouth). The benefit to transvaginal removal is that it's less painful and speeds healing time, although the medical community does have concerns about the possibility of transplanting potentially hazardous bodily materials, such as stomach acids or feces, with the donor organ. The woman who donated the kidney to her niece was chosen for the procedure because she'd had a full hysterectomy, but it's apparently possible to perform it without compromising a woman's fertility.

But how?

As we can see on our theoretically gender-neutral chart here, the kidneys are way up there with the stomach and liver, nestled on top of the intestines. The vagina, which is also attached to the uterus and ovaries, belongs down there in the bladder area. So, my question is, logistically, how does one navigate all the other viscera to get the kidney first into the uterus and then pull it out through the vagina without doing damage to the baby carriage?

Let's Put our Thinkin' Caps On!

2009-02-02T20:41:00.000-08:00

After seeing The Wrestler, Mickey Rourke inspired Andrea and I to develop a program to adopt washed-up celebrities. So, here's what I need from you: If you were going to adopt a celebrity has-been, who would you want to adopt? What celebrities from yester-year do you think are most in need of adoption? We're still hammering out the kinks for how the program will actually work, but we're looking for nominations now. Post me a list in the comments section!

My New Favorite Thing

2009-01-31T20:33:00.000-08:00

Okay, so I just came home from my new favorite thing...watching the Windy City Rollers roller derby season opener! In my none too humble opinion, roller derby is the only women's sport worth watching.

For those of you who are not familiar with the sport, here's a little breakdown of how it works. There are 3 basic positions: pivot, blocker and jammer. Two teams play at a time, and there are 5 players on the team: one pivot, three blockers and one jammer. The jammer's job is to skate past all four players on the opposite team, beginning a jam (the period in which points are scored). The first jammer to pass all four players becomes the lead jammer and is able to determine the length of the jam. Each portion of play is 2 minutes long, or until the lead jammer stops play. Depending on how many players the jammer skates past, up to 5 points can be awarded per jam.

This, however, is not easy. The blockers job is to, well, block the opposing jammers and prevent them from passing their players. The pivot also blocks the jammers, but they skate at the front of the defensive pack, serving as the last line of defense against the jammers. There are two main defensive moves, the wall and the take-out. The wall involves the blockers skating close together to prevent the jammer from passing them. The take-out is exactly what it sounds like--the blocker shoves the jammer out of bounds. The blockers also have an offensive move called a whip, where they take their team's jammer by the arm and whip them forward, giving them an extra burst of speed to pass the other team's blockers.

The game consists of two halves (30 minutes long), but, get this: there are two clocks. One clock counts down the amount of time left in the half and the other, the jam clock, counts down the time left in the jam. Since jams don't always last the full 2 minutes, there may be times where the teams assemble to begin a new jam but there are fewer than 2 minutes left on the clock. No worries; the jam clock takes precedence.

The Windy City Rollers are made up of 4 teams: Hell's Belles, The Fury, The Double Crossers and Manic Attackers. Since tonight was our first game, we picked Manic Attackers to root for. Why? Two reasons: their record showed they had never won a game and their captain's name is Beth Amphetamine. Obviously, this is not her real name. The players adopt bad-ass nicknames, like Beth's, or like Ruth Enasia, Belle Diablo, May R. Daley, Karmageddon, Eva Dead, or Psyche O'Sis. And, with us cheering for them, the Manic Attackers won...actually, they crushed the Double Crossers! The only downside to being a Manic Attacker fan is that they wear a turquoise leotard called the Manic Tard.

So, yeah, my new favorite thing is roller derby. Next match: February 20!

Wait, What Idol?

2009-01-29T18:00:00.000-08:00

So, I've been watching the American Idol auditions, which aired their last episode this evening. Quite frankly, I could care less about the actual American Idol program...there will never be another Kelly Clarkson. What I do like, though, is seeing the bad auditions, because it's fun for me to see people who sing even worse than I do, and to see them have freakish hissy fits when the judges tell them even though their grandma may have been telling them all their lives that they were the greatest singers known to mankind, they really don't have the slightest bit of talent and were quite honestly inventing their own notes as they went. I know I'm a bad singer, mainly because I can hear myself. Can't these people hear themselves?

This audition round has been a disappointment for me, though, because they've been showing fewer of the bad auditions and the weird auditions...mostly because they're hoping to streamline the process by making sure people like Sex (remember Sex, tried out several times for both American Idol and So You Think You Can Dance) don't turn up hoping to be on television.

Tonight though, they showed auditions from New York and San Juan, Puerto Rico. That's right...they're holding auditions for the next AMERICAN idol in a country that refuses to become a U.S. state and whose inhabitants do not consider themselves to be Americans. Which makes a ton of sense.

Here's the best part: the contestants from Puerto Rico were all made aware that, while they could sing whatever they liked for the auditions (providing that they had prepared at least one song in English), they would be expected to sing only in English on the program. Of the auditions I saw, a lot of the hopefuls sang really well, in Spanish. But then, when it was time for them to offer up their English-language choice, it was a disaster. Their spoken English wasn't strong enough for them to understand what they were singing, and they were concentrating too hard on getting the words right to get the musical part of the singing right.

Of a couple thousand wannabes, nine made it through to Hollywood. Nine. And at least one of those was an American who spoke English with no accent--and the accent was the reason Simon gave for their holding auditions in Puerto Rico!!

Luke Wilson Made Me Cry

2009-01-26T14:35:00.000-08:00

Henry Poole Is Here is a crying movie. A sloppy, sobbing, snot pouring from your nose crying movie.

This is one that I think slipped under the radar thanks to a low budget, but it's one I think people should know about and should see. The film stars Luke Wilson (my preferred Wilson brother) as Henry Poole, a man who has lost all hope in life and has moved back to the street he grew up on. Although he is unable to buy his childhood home, he moves into a smaller house down the street and finds that, although all he wants is to be left alone to die, his neighbors quickly insert themselves into his life thanks to a stain on his stucco that may or may not be the face of Jesus, which may or may not be crying tears of actual blood, and may or may not be performing miracles.

On one side is Dawn (Radha Mitchell), an exhausted single mother whose daughter Millie (Morgan Lily) hasn't spoken since the day her father left them. Millie is a little creepy, hiding behind fences and recording other people's conversations, but Dawn and Henry quickly form a bond. On the other side is Esperanza (played by Mexican telenovela star Adriana Barraza), who first spots the Jesus face and draws enormous attention to it as a miracle, much to Henry's annoyance. One of the greatest performances in this film is from George Lopez, who, instead of playing the high-strung comedic role he's so well-known for, plays a very calm and quiet priest.

Wilson's eyes are part of what makes the film so sad. There are a lot of shots of him looking into the camera where he looks alternately sad and lost and angry and overwhelmed, but they're done in a way where you don't feel like an actor is staring into a camera, but more like you're seeing a private moment you shouldn't be. But, what really gets you is the music. With the exception of Blur's "Song Number 2," every song in this movie is completely depressing. Seriously, if you can sit through this without crying, you either have no heart or have never felt lost, alone, hopeless, or afraid.

Wrestling Mickey Rourke

2009-01-24T17:38:00.000-08:00

I went to see The Wrestler this afternoon, and I totally think everyone should see this movie. It's probably the saddest film I've seen in a long time, but not in a sit down and cry kind of way. And, frankly, I don't think anyone but Mickey Rourke could have been cast as Randy "The Ram" Robinson.

Here's the basic premise: Randy "The Ram" Robinson was the ultimate wrestler of all wrestlers. In his day, he was the greatest, the biggest star, the most popular...kind of like Hulk Hogan. Flash forward to today, and he's completely broke, living alone in a trailer park, his daughter won't speak to him, his only friend is an over-the-hill stripper, he works in a discount grocery store, and he's wrestling in school gymnasiums, American Legion halls and church basements, and making no money. Basically, he's lost absolutely everything, but he's desperately trying to cling to anything that reminds him of his glory days.

And then, he has a heart attack and his doctors tell him he can't wrestle anymore. His dreams are all shattered and he has to face what's left of his life.

Honestly, it's a perfect vehicle for Mickey Rourke, playing a man who's crashed down just about as low as he can go and is looking for any route to a comeback. Since Rourke thanked his dogs during his Golden Globe acceptance speech because sometimes all a man has is his dogs, I'm guessing he knows a little bit about being a man who's lost everyone and everything he's loved in the world. The saddest part of the film is truly how lonely this guy's existence is--I mean, he's still got fans who turn out at these crappy little matches, but there are no people in his life. The Ram doesn't even have a dog. I can't imagine ever being that alone in life, and I don't know if I could survive it.

A word of warning, the film is mostly shot with handi-cams, so it's very, very shaky and, occasionally, nauseating, and the plot moves very very slowly without ever really going anywhere. But overall, the film is really enjoyable, in a heartbreaking way.

Another New Blog!

2009-01-21T21:06:00.000-08:00

Well, boys and girls, since being unemployed, I have been watching a whole lot of movies. So many, in fact, that I have rented pretty much every movie I wanted to see and most of the movies I kind of thought might not be awful. Now I'm just grabbing anything off the shelf--although I am still resisting the call of Gay Bed and Breakfast of Doom and Zombie Strippers.

But, when you watch a lot of movies, you will inevitably cross paths with some bad ones. This week, I've watched 3 bad ones already. So, as a service to you all, I have decided to start a new blog letting you know which movies stink and why so you can avoid them. I'm hoping to score enough good karma that more good things, like a job, will come my way.

So, the first entry is up on The Bad Movie Blog, and it features Razzie Award nomination leader, The Love Guru. Bookmark it, folks, because tomorrow I'll be discussing Space, Where Movie Franchises Go to Die, and what happens when a movie is set in a historic period predating the space program. I bet most of you know what movie that will be!

Of Course the Mechanic can't Drive Stick

2009-01-19T15:38:00.000-08:00

Okay, so, as if not having a job and not hearing anything back from the interviews I've been on wasn't struggle enough for me, my car is starting to die in ways that cannot be ignored, especially in the maelstrom of a Chicago winter. Today, I rolled my window down and it wouldn't go back up again.

I was in a parking garage, but, because of the holiday, there was no one there. And when I called the emergency number, no one answered. And then I called AAA, who doesn't cover that kind of roadside emergency. So I called J, and after much struggling and arguing over who was listening and who wasn't doing what they thought they were doing, we got it kind of closed, but it was still a little open. Like you could stick your hand in the car, and since the problem started with someone trying to break into my car in the first place, this isn't acceptable. At this point, I had no other choice but to take it to a garage.

So I call first, since it's a holiday and I don't want to turn up and find that it's closed. So I call, they're open, and I head on over. The guy comes out to take my car, so I get out, and he looks in the car and says, "Oh, is it a stick? I don't really drive stick." What kind of mechanic doesn't know how to drive a manual transmission?? Anyway, I pull into the garage, they take the door apart and tell me that it's just a quick fix and they'll get it done in no time, and it won't be that expensive. Great!

Half an hour later, the guy comes out and tells me he's very sorry, but they thought they had the part they needed, but the one they had was broken, so they were going to have to buy one from another garage. I said okay and asked how long it was going to take, and I'm assured it won't be that long because the other garage is nearby. Unfortunately, they were just going to charge me for the part originally, but now that they have to buy the part, they'll have to charge me for the part and the labor, but it will only be a little more.

Apparently, the part was in West Virginia and they walked there to get it because FOUR HOURS LATER, I asked how much longer it was going to be, and they tell me the guy just got back and it'll only be another ten minutes or so, then I will be all set.

In ten minutes they come back out and tell me that they installed the part, but I will have to come back, because they didn't notice until they were done putting the window back in that another part was broken, and they have to order the other part. I ask how long it will take to get it in, days, weeks, whatever, and they tell me I can come back whenever and they'll just send someone to the garage where they got the other part.

So I go out to the garage part to get my car. The guy opens the door, shows me my window and explains why I need the other part. Now, my window tinting is pretty dark, so when I close the door I immediately notice there's a border around the whole window that's lighter. The damn window is still just as open as it was when I brought it in!!

So I get out of the car and point this out to the guy and he says that the reason it's not staying in place is because of the broken part, but he will call them now and get it over there so that they can put it right in when I come by the next day. In the meantime, I need to have someone hold the window in place while I shut the door from inside the car.

Luckily, the part tomorrow will only cost me $5, but still. If they try to charge me for labor, I am going to take out my wrath on their sunrooves display!

New Big Love Season Does Not Disappoint

2009-01-18T19:04:00.000-08:00

Whoo-HOO! The third season of Big Love opened with a bang! Let's see...

Well, at the end of last season, Roman Grant was being arrested for transporting women and underage girls across state lines for the purpose of polygamous marriage. Barb announced to the people across the street that she, Margene, Nicki and Bill were all married to one another in order to prevent Margene from being a surrogate for the neighbor's child. Alby Grant had installed himself as the leader at the Juniper Creek compound in Roman's absence--all while trying to kill his own father. Bill and Don Embry purchased Weber Gaming, a video poker company willing to deal with polygamists. Bill was also struggling with his feelings for Ana in the face of Barb's refusal to even consider a fourth wife.

As this season opens, Roman is awaiting trial for rape, after it is revealed that the women he transported were only transported to state lines, got out of the car to walk across them, and then were picked up on the other side. Alby meets a man for sex in a public restroom, only to have the man try to kill him. Nicki has taken a job in order to pay for the debts she has incurred, and Margene had her baby, a little girl!

But the big news is, as ever, the marriage. With a neighborhood block party looming, Bill's family finds that Nicki is being ostracized by the people on their street because they suspect she is Roman Grant's daughter. Then Bill and Barb's daughter Tansy comes home and tells them the neighbors won't let her play with their sons anymore because she's a "bad influence." Although the people Barb told about them deny having said anything, they suspect the street knows about their four-person marriage.

At the same time, however, Barb is struggling with her own secret: her cancer might have come back! Spurred by this information, Barb goes to see Ana, who, despite his best efforts Bill continues to see (although he refuses to have sex with her outside of marriage). She tells Ana that if she wants to continue to see Bill, she will have to also date Barb, Nicki and Margene as their prospective fourth wife. But Bill doesn't know! And Barb doesn't tell anyone why she's had a change of heart!

Nicki's job, which she claimed was at a county office, actually turns out to be working for the lawyers prosecuting her father. She is replacing another woman from the compound who had been working in the office. And, she's gotten the job using Margene's identity with a driver's license her mother made for her.

Ana is not willing to contemplate marrying Bill and his wives, and, after Bill finally gives in and has sex with her, he comes home and tells his family their relationship is over.

Refusing to bow to the pressure from their neighbors (and a toilet paper attack on Nicki's house), Bill, Barb, Margene and their children go to the block party, where the neighbors awkwardly annoy them. Nicki works on her roof, some of the neighborhood children steal her ladder, trapping her up there. This puts Nicki in a position to overhear everything when the neighbor who refused to allow Tansy to play with her kids comes to tell Barb she caught them together again--and that the bad influence she referred to is that she was charging her sons 50 cents a minute to look at pornographic magazines!

Meanwhile, knowing that the Hendricks are inactive in the LDS church, a neighbor corners Ben and tries to encourage him to rejoin the church and go on a mission. Bill, overhearing it, gets angry and begins shouting with the man in the street. As he is on the verge of outing their family, Nicki proclaims from her rooftop that she is, in fact, Roman Grant's daughter, but lies and says she condemns everything the Juniper Creek community stands for, that she spent her life trying to escape, and that Bill, Barb and Margene were the first people to ever show her any kindness and she treasures them as friends--and nothing more.

The mood on the street lightens for a moment. Phew! But then, Ana shows up and announces that she's there, and she's ready to pursue the relationship on their terms!

How is that for excitement!! And all packed in a single hour!! This is going to be a great season! And Bill Paxton hasn't even shown his wang yet!

Oh, Boy!

2009-01-16T20:52:00.000-08:00

The man on the left has been sentenced to 15 months in prison for "gratuitous violence." That is, he falsely imprisoned a male escort, handcuffing him to the wall in his London apartment. Apparently, this was a drug-fueled incident, and the man pictured claims that he only handcuffed the escort because he suspected the escort had tampered with his computer. I'm sure this panicked him, as he is incredibly famous.

Just in case you don't recognize him, the man is George O'Dowd--better known as Boy George.

What happened to our little Karma Chameleon? How did he become a doughy, balding middle aged man?

There's something truly awful about seeing the people we adored in their prime when they've fallen on harder times. And why is it so much worse for some than others? Paul McCartney still looks pretty much the same, as does Mick Jagger. Others, however, don't fare as well. Sometimes, they just turn out to be really weird looking.

For example: Here's a picture of Pete Burns from Dead or Alive:

Never the most masculine looking man in the room. But here's what Pete looks like today:

I wish I were kidding about that. He is, though, actually still a man, at least from the neck down.

They're Back!

2009-01-15T13:44:00.001-08:00

After more than a year's wait, Big Love is back! Or, rather, it will be on January 18 at 9 p.m. Yay!

I love this show. No, I'm not a fan of polygamy, nor am I a Mormon (although, from what I read, were I a Mormon I would be somehow obligated to dislike this show, whether I'd ever seen it or not). What I'm interested in is how it portrays relationships.

The Henrickson family, Bill and his wives Barb, Nicki and Margene, have a very complicated plural marriage (and in season three, it looks like they might add a fourth wife), but it's based on the love and respect all four of the adults have for one another. It presents a very interesting perspective on the relationships between husbands and wives, and between women who regard one another as friends and sisters. What's also interesting is the way their relationships were all forged of their own free will, rather than forced upon them by someone else.

Of course, the show also presents polygamy in the way most of us are used to seeing it: abusive constructions arranged by a charismatic cult leader who considers himself a community's link to god and salvation. Bill and Nicki were both raised inside one of these communities and still have ties to this community (Nicki being the daughter of the community's current prophet/leader, and Bill's mother and brother still living there), so there is ample opportunity to see how people are taken advantage of, women are joined to men they don't care about, power struggles are played out, how women are joined as sisterwives despite the fact that they hate one another, and how a 70-something year old man feels himself entitled to a 12-year-old bride.

The best part of Big Love, however, is that it doesn't preach or take any sort of position on the issue of polygamy. It shows how it can be done well, and how it can be disastrous.

New episode, January 18. Be there. Or stay tuned and I'll tell you all about it!

The Guys the Cast of The Pickup Artist Want to Be

2009-01-11T12:55:00.001-08:00

VH1 has launched its newest reality show, Tool Academy. The premise of the show is that it turns utter douchebags into perfect gentlemen at the request of their girlfriends. The men were tricked into appearing on the show, as they were told they would be competing for the title of Mr. Awesome.

Okay, anyone who's willing to compete for the title of Mr. Awesome is highly likely to be a tool. And, as you can see from the photo, these guys definitely look like tools with their over-spiked hair and fake-bake tans. And with names like MEGA and jobs including being a stripper and spending the money his girlfriend's baby-daddy is sending her for child support, you know these guys are tools.

But, watching the show, I didn't know who was more in need of help, the douchebag guys or their pathetic, self-esteem-free girlfriends. These girls put up with their boyfriends' ridiculous behavior, allow themselves to be cheated on, yelled at, put down and treated poorly, and some of them have been doing it for years. Every one of them knows in their hearts that these guys deserve to get dumped hard, and yet they've brought them on television to change them.

Okay, girls, listen up. You can't change another human being. If your guy is a tool, he will always be a tool. The only thing that ever makes a man mend his ways is when a woman he truly cares about will not put up with his crap. And not one girl on the show is the sort of girl who's going to make them do that--because if they were, the guys would have already changed.

So there we have it. As though The Pickup Artist, Flavor of Love, and Rock of Love weren't enough, now a show that is putting men on display as complete idiots is making women look completely pathetic and stupid. Good job, VH1.

Sometimes, You Just Feel That Way

2009-01-10T20:04:00.000-08:00

Two Miles, Y'All!

2009-01-08T16:44:00.000-08:00

Who crossed the two mile mark on her "jog" at the gym this morning? Me!!

Okay, so it's not a real jog because I did it on the elliptical trainer and I couldn't actually run for 2 miles on a surface or on the treadmill, but it's still a big accomplishment for me. And it only took me 22 minutes to get through. My lungs are only a little burny.

So what should the next goal be? I think that, by next Friday, I want to get my time on the elliptical up to 30 minutes. I think once I can get up to the 30 minute mark consistently, I can start working in some actual running on the treadmill.

The bad news, though, is that the harder I work out, the hungrier I am. This makes sense, since, after all, I'm burning up calories my body is used to having stored around my middle, and I'm trying not to replace them (i.e., create a "calorie deficit" to cause weight loss, not to starve myself...although it pretty much amounts to the same thing, I guess), but it's very unpleasant being hungry. And being hungry makes me cranky. I'm just hoping it that, in the near future, my body figures out that it's not going to get any extra food, so it might as well look elsewhere for nutrients. Like my chins.

Great Big Huge Loser

2009-01-07T17:15:00.000-08:00

I watched the season premier of The Biggest Loser last night. Nothing makes a fat person trying to lose weight feel better than watching even fatter people losing weight. This is apparently a landmark season because it has the oldest contestant ever, the youngest contestant ever, the heaviest contestant ever, and the heaviest female contestant ever. This is also the first season I've ever sat down to watch.

I'm actually watching it because when I was at the gym the other day, there was a TBL marathon and the show turns out to actually be kind of interesting. And, since I myself am trying to lose weight (fairly unsuccessfully thus far) I thought it might be helpful to see other people going through it.

So, last week, after going to the gym for 5 days and working on portion control (good food is expensive, and I'm still trying to get by on the $300 a week I make on unemployment), I lost 5 pounds. Yay me!

So I watch the show, and the first episode takes in the first week that the contestants are in the program, ending with a weigh in and elimination (of contestants, not of additional calories via vomiting or pooping). I'm feeling good about my 5 pound loss, but I also know that healthy weight loss is 2-3 pounds per week. My feel-goods, however, were quickly squashed when the people on the show get on the scale and are losing double digits worth of weight. The biggest loss for the first week of the program was like 35 pounds. 35 pounds!! I'd be almost done if I'd lost 35 pounds last week!

Granted, these people are all a lot heavier than I am. All of them are over 250 pounds, some of them are over 400 pounds; I'm still weighing in at well less than 200 pounds (but I'm keeping the number to myself). So they have a lot more weight to lose. But seriously, a 35 pound weight loss in a single week...that's like having a baby, and I promise you, the man who lost it, didn't have a baby, unless something about biology is different.

Now I have to wonder what they're doing to these people. Are they making them work out for 12 hours a day? Are they feeding them nothing but lettuce and water? How can any human being naturally drop 35 pounds in a single week and not have some kind of unhealthy reaction to that?

I know whenever I go to the gym, my body panics a little, and I only work out for about an hour and a half. It's like my body thinks, "Ahhhh!! Calories being burned!! Save the nutrients!! Save the nutrients!!" and then it starts grabbing nutrients and calories from anywhere I've been storing them (like around my waist). And then, I poop, presumably because of the desperate grab for stored nutrients. Could this guy have lost 35 pounds through a similar nutrient-panic? Try not to think about a 35 pound poop.

Ridin' the Ho Bus

2009-01-04T19:35:00.000-08:00

A fight involving beer throwing and a choke-out.

Girls making out.

A Penthouse pet and a retired porn star.

An acid-soaked Christina Aguilera (during her dirrty phase) wanna-be.

One girl taking shots from another girl's vagina.

Nope, we're not talking about last Saturday night at my house. We're talking about the first episode of Rock of Love Bus with Bret Michaels.

Just in case this is less obvious than my new favorite song, "Chimpanzee Ridin' on a Segway," the aim of this show is for Bret Michaels to find love, only this time, instead of being in a house, the girls are on tour with Bret, riding on buses around the country.

Oh, holy lord. Each season, the girls get trashier than the girls on the season before, and this is season three. When the Penthouse pet and the retired porn star are two of the classiest ones on the bus, you know we're scraping the bottom of the barrel. And in this version, the girls are not living in a mansion, but are divided between two tour buses. Two moving tour buses, with nowhere to run and nowhere to hide and no where to get away from the crazy Brazilian who's had an entire bottle of tequila.

Here's an example of how classy these girls are, just in case the notes above didn't clue you in: One girl, who works as a DJ, wrote a rap for Bret. Except, instead of memorizing it, she brought the words with her. And it appears that she was working on them while at the free clinic, because the lyrics were on the back of informational sheets about Genital Herpes and Gonorrhea. (Okay, this is also the wanna be and the shot taker noted above, but she got kicked off the show tonight, so I won't get to judge her mercilessly again.) Her parents must be proud.

I'm excited about this season. I think there's going to be drama a-plenty, as well as more opportunities to watch these clueless skanks humiliate themselves without realizing it. Yay!

Chimpanzee Riding on a Segway

2009-01-03T19:09:00.000-08:00

This is fairly self explanatory. And it's my new favorite song.

The Laws of Ghost Town

2009-01-03T12:04:00.000-08:00

Last night I watched the movie Ghost Town, starring the very, very funny Ricky Gervais, Tea Leoni and Greg Kinnear. The premise of the film is that Dr. Bertram Pincus, DDS, (Ricky Gervais) died for approximately 7 minutes during a routine colonoscopy and now he can see ghosts. Frank (Kinnear) is dead and is looking for Dr. Pincus to help him move on. Frank thinks that the reason he's earthbound is because he is supposed to stop his widow Gwen's (Leoni) impending marriage. However, he wasn't exactly the model husband when he was alive, and on the day he died his wife discovered that he was looking to buy an apartment for his mistress.

Although Dr. Pincus hates living people, and dead ones even more, he agrees to help Frank only because Frank promises to make the rest of the dead people leave him alone if they can stop the wedding. Predictably, they stop the wedding and Dr. Pincus falls in love with Gwen.

But wait! Frank hasn't crossed over yet! The film is actually working on the premise that ghosts are not trapped because they have unfinished business, but because the living have unfinished business with them. Frank is trapped because Gwen is still angry with him for not only cheating on her, but for dying before she had a chance to confront him and find out why it wasn't enough for him that she loved him. Aww...

The movie is extremely funny, if a little predictable. But, it's a romantic comedy, and by all estimations romantic comedies are predictable. Ricky Gervais is probably one of the funniest men alive today (and the reason that if you've seen the original British version of The Office, Steve Carrell's sad pale imitation will not satisfy). Tea Leoni is incredibly funny, and Greg Kinnear is outstanding.

Here's my one problem with it: When I watched the special features, they noted that one of the biggest challenges was the laws of ghosting. Ghosts cannot speak to the living, they cannot interact with things in the living world (like picking things up), they wear the clothes they died in (which makes me hope I don't die today) and they can walk through things. They gave Greg Kinnear one prop, a BlackBerry he had in his hand when he died, but he even notes at one point that Dr. Pincus is a sadist for leaving the newspaper open to a cell phone ad all day, emphasizing that he is helpless to move things in the living world.

I have no problem with the ghost laws. However, what I do have a problem with is that the ghosts in the film sit on the furniture. If you are unable to pick things up or grasp things, if you walk through walls, and if anything you come in contact with goes right through you, how can you sit on the couch?

E is for Ellen Exercisin'

2009-01-02T15:09:00.000-08:00

So, since I have no job and nothing else to do with my days, I've been going to the gym every morning. I've been, I guess the word would be "jogging" on the elliptical machine. At this point, I'm on there for 20 minutes and am running about 1.65 miles every day. My lungs are a little burny, but I'm hoping that by the end of next week I'll be able to do 2 miles. Or die trying.

My gym, though, is kind of weird. First of all, no one works there. There used to be a guy there named Popped Collar McGee, but he was always in the tanning booth--the man had skin the color and texture of a basketball--and he has been missing from the gym for several months. And it's really small, so if there's three or more people there, it feels really crowded.

Today I got a little later start than I wanted to, so there were a bunch of people there when I got there, running along on the treadmills. The ellipticals were all free, so I hopped on the machine, put in all my settings and then found something on the T.V. to watch while I "jogged." The built-in T.V. is sort of a lifesaver for me, because I can zone out paying attention to some show and before I know it the machine is beeping at me that I'm done.

I also like the ellipticals because they're up against the west wall, and the whole gym faces to the east, so no one is watching me exercise. I, however, had full view of someone running on the treadmill in front of me. I am usually paying attention to the T.V. and not to the people in front of me, but this guy clearly forgot that there were other people in the gym and went a little crazy.

First, he started boxing the air. This is pretty normal; I see people doing this all the time, sometimes with little weights. But, then he started barking. Like, legit barking (HARF! HARF-HARF!) with every punch. Then, instead of punching, he started chopping at the air and making sharp yipping sounds that I can only assume would be karate noises (hai! yah! heayah!). I was trying so hard not to laugh that I lost my rhythm and nearly fell of the elliptical!

What could have possibly possessed this guy to start shouting while he ran? The punching and the chopping is odd enough, but when you add in the noise, it gets a little disruptive to people who are trying to concentrate on their workouts. And, surprisingly enough, a workout requires a good deal of concentration.

So that's how they did it

2009-01-01T15:02:00.000-08:00

Last night, between noisy neighbors and an unfortunate acoustic proximity to Downtown Chicago, I ended up being awake to see in the new year. Since I had to be awake anyway, I decided to watch The Duchess, starring Kiera Knightley. I had actually been really interested in seeing this film because I had read the book, and I was wondering how they would convert the biography of such a pathetic woman into a feature film with a likeable main character.

Well, here's how they did it: They focused on only one highly sensational element and elided everything else.

Georgiana, Duchess of Devonshire, was a political force in her day: a leading representative of the Whig party, a major supporter of American independence, and a close friend of Marie Antoinette. She was also completely without self esteem, addicted to drugs, alcohol and gambling, and died with the approximate equivalent of over $6 million in debt. Her best friends were her sister, Harriet, and Lady Elizabeth Foster, her husband's mistress and eventual wife, with whom the Duke and Duchess lived in a menage a trois for many many years.

The film, however, depicts her as approximately as politically powerful as Paris Hilton, offers one scene in which she is gambling (which she did nearly every night of her life for many years), one scene in which she is strung out (but, because the next scene makes reference to a new pregnancy, it's easy to be confused as to what the real problem in the scene had been), and her sister is entirely left out of the film.

Most startlingly, however, is the fact that the film shows a major blow-up between the Duke and Duchess where the Duchess demands he send Lady Elizabeth away. This is a very reasonable scene to assume would have happened to our 21st century values, but the Duchess's own letters to her family actually indicate that the opposite was true. The Duchess loved Lady Elizabeth like a sister and encouraged the relationship between her husband and her friend, and refused to allow her family to disparage her friend or criticize their arrangement.

Overall, the film is really well done and interesting, but only if you have no familiarity with the characters' actual lives or stories. It's always very difficult for me to see a film based on something I know about because I want the film to be faithful to the story. Faithfulness, however, isn't always the most interesting approach to a story, which makes it difficult to translate to the screen, which leaves me disappointed. But, the sets and the costumes are beautiful, including the crazy wigs the women wore (which would mean they would have had necks like wrestlers from holding them up). Ralph Fiennes is kind of disappointing in the film, since he plays the Duke so awkwardly.

So, if you like period costume dramas and don't know anything about the characters see the film. If you do know the characters, though, be prepared to be disappointed by the film's disregard for historical fact.

New Year, Schmoo Year

2008-12-31T17:37:00.001-08:00

I am not a big fan of New Year's Eve. I think it's a conspiracy on the part of the alcoholic beverage industry working in collusion with the diet and exercise industry. Honestly, there's no more point in celebrating the end of a calendar year than there is in celebrating the beginning and end of daylight savings time (which I'm sure there will be cards and candy for by next year, if the economy doesn't improve). There is, however, a "leap second" at the end of this year, which makes it...no, makes it no more interesting to me.

I actually make my resolutions and set goals and such at my birthday. My preference is to celebrate the Year of Me rather than the calendar year. Of course, my whole life has fallen apart since my last birthday, so perhaps I need to rethink my perspective.

Needless to say, I'm not going out tonight, or having anyone in, and will probably be asleep by midnight. I did, however, go out yesterday to the Museum of Contemporary Art here in Chicago. They have the standard collections of things that pretentious people look at in awe and say, "Oh, how perfect a metaphor," and even more pretentious people look at and say, "Oh, of course, but is it art?" There's a major installation called "Protect Protect," which is made up of a series of blown up declassified documents pertaining to the war in Iraq and a room full of different displays of crawling LCD screens which are meant to both show our culture's transfixion with information overload as well as simulate "white noise" torture being used by the U.S. military against Iraqi POWs. (I believe I just invented the word "transfixion;" please use it and spread it around.)

The display I was interested in, though, was a work by South African artist William Kentridge called "The Main Complaint." It's a series of chalk drawings and an accompanying animated short film (animating the drawings) depicting a fat white businessman in a coma having visions of violence, X-ray film prints and ultra-sound images. It's meant to be a comment on the continuing human rights violations in post-Apartheid South Africa, the overbearing nature of the white-led reconstruction efforts, and the culture of forgetfulness the end of Apartheid ushered in.

What was really interesting, though, was the way the drawings of the X-rays and ultra-sounds masked the bodily injuries by articles of bureaucracy, such as typewriters, telephones and rubber stamps. The other element that I think was crucial to understanding the message of the piece was in the film. Dozens of doctors (white doctors) try to help the comatose man, who is writhing and groaning with the pain of his visions, their stethoscopes are being shown as penetrating the man, running through his internal organs and creating a tangled mess...that is, doing more harm than good. When you additionally take into consideration that Kentridge himself is white, the whole display is so heavy with guilt that I'm surprised it wasn't sticky. (In my head, guilt is sticky and oozy, and a navy blue color.)

I don't know. I'm very interested in the delicate and contentious structure of post-Apartheid South Africa, and the richness of art and literature that emerges from it. One of my favorite films is In My Country (based on the book In the Country of My Skull), in which the heinous crimes black South Africans commited against one another are being formally forgiven (and in which Samuel L. Jackson plays an angry black (man) American reporter who is absolutely put in his place by Juliette Binoche). I also really like the book Disgrace by J.M. Coetzee, which discusses the racial tensions in rural South Africa. Kentridge presents yet another facet of the situation, trying to give a voice to the unsayable/inexpressible problems of race and domination.

Following this I took a cab home because it was quite late and dark outside, and the cab driver gave me a Jesus. Okay, it's a prayer card from The Chaplet of the Divine Mercy with a picture of Jesus on it, but it really surprised me when I got a good look at it. I had thought he was giving me a receipt.

And then this woman set her head on fire...

2008-12-29T17:38:00.001-08:00

I rented I'm Not There, the film about Bob Dylan that came out last summer. I was really looking forward to seeing it; I'm not the biggest Dylan fan, but I thought a story about him would be worth seeing. I watched the whole film, and I still have no idea what I saw.

First of all, the film is not really about Bob Dylan. It's a pastiche of representations of different personas Dylan is mythologized to have inhabited at various points in his personal and artistic evolution. Yep. Apparently, he was an African American child riding in boxcars with hobos and playing old blues songs, a folk singer, an actor who played that folk singer in a movie while his marriage fell apart, a crazy drug addict and Billy the Kid.

The film tells all these different stories that are clearly not all the same person, and none of whom have the same name. There are narrative portions, there's a kind of surrealist piece with a circus theme, and a mockumentary. The film has no real purpose, is excruciating to follow and, apart from the part with Cate Blanchett playing Jude Quinn, nothing is really all that recognizable as Bob Dylan. It's awful (except for Cate).

At the same time, however, I also rented Hamlet 2. I truly expected this to be the worst drivel ever. I mean, the film's trailers featured a song called "Rock Me, Sexy Jesus." But, I normally like films from Focus, and I think Steve Coogan is really funny. Surprisingly, however, the movie is actually really smart and funny.

The film is not so much about putting on a musical sequel to Hamlet, but is actually a parody of all those awful inspirational teacher films, like Dangerous Minds, where a white teacher goes into the ghetto and turns his or her gangbanger students into model citizens by sheer force of will and an emerging street cred.

Steve Coogan is a failed actor who becomes a high school drama teacher. He's broke, his wife, who recently gave up her job dealing pot, wants to have a baby despite his low sperm count, and they've taken in a boarder to help make ends meet. His drama class, which usually consists of 2 students and puts on stage adaptations of Hollywood films, is filled with Hispanic students whose electives of choice (shop, computers and ceramics) have been cut out of the budget.

The movie is totally pointless, but it's really funny. Coogan is just so clueless about his own patheticness, and David Arquette is just sort of randomly in the film. "Rock Me, Sexy Jesus" is annoyingly infectious, and there's a very unsettling tune called "Raped in the Face" that completely exposes the film as being by the makers of South Park.

In short, if you like to watch a movie where you know what's going on, skip I'm Not There. If, however, you enjoyed Cannibal, The Musical, see Hamlet 2.

Also, the film The House Bunny is surprisingly smart and funny.

Not the Right Holiday Fire

2008-12-28T16:19:00.000-08:00

No holiday is complete without a little fire. Of course, I managed to bust out a fire that wasn't exactly the snuggle up with cocoa kind.

I made a little Christmas dinner this year, and Christmas dinner is not Christmas dinner without a pie. I went with apple, because I know it's one of J's favorites, in case anyone is interested. So I got the crust all ready, sliced up the super-crispy Granny Smith apples, mixed them up with some cinnamon, sugar and nutmeg, and put the whole thing into the oven. It was a little overstuffed, so I put a cookie sheet on the rack underneath it, just in case it leaked.

So the pie was happily cooking away in the oven, but, when it should have been nearly done, I checked on it, and it wasn't getting very brown. I pulled out emergency drip pan to stop it from blocking the heat, and left the pie for the last 10 minutes of cooking.

Seven minutes later, smoke was pouring out of the oven. There's this vent at the back of the oven that allows steam and heat to escape from the cooking part. So I run to the stove and pull it open, and discover that my pie has gotten a nice golden brown. Unfortunately, the floor of the oven had sparkly little flames all over it.

While the drip pan had actually been blocking the heat and keeping the pie from browning properly, as soon as it did brown, the juicy sugars leaked out onto the floor of the oven and burst into flame. And when I put my hand in the oven to pull the pie out, I burned the life out of it. And the more it heals, the more it looks infected, and like I might have gotten a sassy little scar for Christmas.

Luckily, the little flames burned themselves out, leaving my house filled with the scent of smoke and burnt sugar. Somewhat less luckily, the smoke alarm didn't go off, which leaves me slightly concerned. But, ten minutes with the windows open and all the smoke was gone.

The pie, by the way, was perfect!

List

2008-12-26T17:58:00.000-08:00

In honor of television advertising, here's a list of things being advertised during daytime programming. Let's see if we can establish who the average Daytime TV viewer is.

Things Daytime Television Watchers (DTVWs) Want

1. Better abs. Whether it be by the Bender Ball or the Crunchless Abs method, daytime television viewers have had it with their flabby abs and ineffective floor crunches (especially women with lower ab pooches) and are willing to throw down someone's hard earned money for better abs. After all, the Bender ball is 408% more effective, and according to the Journal of Research, floor crunches only work 2 of our 12 abdominal muscles.

1a. As an addendum to 1, DTVWs would also like diet pills, especially those hawked on greenscreen sets that look like the deck of a sci-fi starship, diet foods delivered straight to their door, and weight loss surgery.

2. Blankets with sleeves. DTVWs are sick of those difficult to use blankets, and I don't blame them. I mean, a square of cloth you cover your body with to stay warm is so confusing to operate. Thank God for the people who make Snuggie, the blanket with sleeves. This hybrid blanket/sweater/choir robe/hospital gown is the perfect solution for those of us who just cannot figure out how to keep our arms warm with a traditional blanket. As a bonus, it also solves the problem of having to match your cardigan to your afghan.

3. Technical education. Whether it's ITT, DeVry, Le Cordon Blue or UTI (not actually urinary tract infection, as I originally thought), there's something out there for everyone.

4. Life insurance. Are you between the ages of 65 and 130? Do you have a child? Does your child have a child? If so, daytime TV will eventually have an ad that will present you with the perfect life insurance plan for your needs.

5. Debt counseling and/or bankruptcy representation. Clearly, if you're at home in the middle of the day, you're unemployed, which means you probably have cash flow problems. Daytime TV is more than happy to put you in touch with the lawyer/crook that can help with that.

5a. As an addendum to 5, you can also get cash for gold, payday loans and cash advances via folks who advertise to DTVWs.

As a sidebar, has anyone else noticed that in the Premium M-n-Ms commercial for their raspberry almond flavor, Green M-n-M EATS one of the premium M-n-Ms? Eats it!!! Doesn't that give anyone else the creeps?!?!

Random Musings

2008-12-24T10:28:00.000-08:00

Here are some random thoughts to share with you:

I learned yesterday that "nog" (as in eggnog, for any of you who have consumed a little much of it and are kind of slow on the uptake today) means "with rum." Thank God for Fidel Castro, as Coke-nog is not nearly so appealing sounding a drink as Cuba Libre.

Grey suits and brown shoes do not match. Grey is a blue-toned color and brown is a yellow-toned color. Grey and brown look awful together, and yet I see otherwise stylish and intelligent people pairing their grey suits or grey pants with brown shoes. Knock it off.

Things to avoid in foods: fats and sugars. Things that make food taste good: fats and sugars.

Billy Mays, the OxyClean guy who is so loud, actually has "Million Dollar Man" written on his business card because he guarantees any product he promotes will make at least one million dollars in profits. And in real life, he's very soft-spoken.

Adults who wear flannel pajamas with a matching top and bottom look silly.

Any noise is louder at 6 a.m.

The most difficult thing for the human brain to do is decide what toppings to put on a pizza.

Charlie vs. Charlie

2008-12-19T09:42:00.000-08:00

In the past week I've had a lot of time to watch TV while I'm searching for jobs (excellent multitasker), and both the original Gene Wilder version of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory and the more recent Johnny Depp/Tim Burton version have both been on. I've watched them both, and in my carefully considered opinion, I stand against conventional wisdom and announce that the Depp/Burton version is vastly superior to its original version. Below are the reasons:

1. The Depp/Burton Effect
With the exception of Ed Wood, whenever Tim Burton casts Johnny Depp in something, it's incredible. Burton also has an incredible sense of the aesthetic that makes the visual elements of the film simply incredible. Okay, so, when the original came out in 1971 (in Technicolor, no less) there wasn't quite as much you could do with visual effects, but the original set looks like it's made with inflatable beach balls and styrofoam.

2. Who's really creepy?
I cannot accept the argument that Johnny Depp is creepier simply because he channeled a little of that Michael Jackson "I forgot to grow up and now I'm kind of a molester" thing. Yes, the character is developmentally deficient in terms of maturity. But, I think Depp captures the childlike petulance of Willy Wonka far better than Gene Wilder was able to.

The other thing I think Depp does better is capture the kind of sinister "something more is going on here" that the book conveys and the original version of the film doesn't. This is also reflected in the visual aspects of the film, but I think there's always a bit of an "I know something you don't know" flashing in Depp's eyes.

3. Better Charlie
Freddie Highmore versus Peter Ostrum? Freddie, hands down. Freddie's portrayal is more meek and beaten-down by life, but with still that childlike hope and innocence. Peter Ostrum's Scandinavian face is a little too filled out for me to believe he's been living on cabbage soup for months.

4. Better Oompa Loompas

Just look at them with their green hair, tan-in-a-can orange skin and their white eyebrows. That is the stuff that nightmares are made of. The only possible element that might make the scary little orange men better is that there are more actors playing them, so they all look a little different from one another.

However, I do prefer that the Burton Oompas get costume changes, depending upon what scene they are in and what they are doing.

5. Less Singing

I like a musical as much as the next person, but there's way, way, way too much singing in the Gene Wilder version of Charlie. In the book, only the Oompa Loompas sing, but Wilder gets a couple of numbers of his own. I don't care for it, and actually, I change the channel when anyone but the Oompa Loompas are singing. The other musical drawback to the original version is that all the Oompa Loompa's songs sound the same: same music, same tune, same rhythm. I prefer a little variety.

So there you have it. Johnny Depp wins, Gene Wilder loses. I welcome arguments to the contrary.

Not Actually a Bad Ass

2008-12-18T16:25:00.000-08:00

***This posting contains spoilers for a movie that was released over the summer. So, if you read this and learn things you didn't want to know, well, it's your own fault.***

I rented Wanted the other day. I'm sure we are all very much aware of my stance on Angelina Jolie's complete and total lack of acting ability. Fortunately, she doesn't do much more than stand around for most of the film, and even she can't mess that up.

The plot is this: A secret society of assassins called The Fraternity recruits Wesley Gibson (James McAvoy) to avenge the death of his father. Or did they?

Wesley is trained by Fox (Angelina Jolie) and an assorted gang of assassins led by Sloan (Morgan Freeman). The Fraternity is descended from a society of weavers who discovered secret binary code in the cloth they wove that spelled out the names of people who should be assassinated. It doesn't tell them why, just that they need to be assassinated.

Wesley's father was supposedly killed by another assassin went rogue and killed a bunch of agents. Except, what really happened is that his father discovered Sloan's own name had come up on the cloth, Wesley's father had discovered it, and they brought Wesley in to hunt and kill his father. This is all pretty obvious.

The movie is filled with things that couldn't possibly happen in real life: bullets that curve, bullets that not only curve but also shoot all the way around a circle through like 8 skulls, Angelina Jolie does the right thing. But, the most unbelievable part of the film, Morgan Freeman says the F-word. Twice.

I love Morgan Freeman dearly. I had my first crush on him when I was 3. But there's something about him trying to come off as a bad-ass that just doesn't translate into realistic filmmaking. I know he's done action films, and he's played a tough guy or two, and he has a little earring, but Morgan Freeman is not a man who drops F-bombs. It's like seeing Mr. Rogers kick a puppy.

Anyhow, the film would be really great, if it didn't take itself so seriously. I expected it to be more like Shoot 'Em Up, which features a lactating prostitute and death-by-carrot. But, the film doesn't really know that it's ridiculous. And the gratuitous scene with Angelina's naked back is so unsexy you just want to cover her up and give her a sandwich. All in all, good film.

Why, People?

2008-12-13T17:57:00.000-08:00

I've been known to sport a piercing or two from time to time. I like tattoos, but mostly on other people because it's just more of a commitment than I want to make to any one picture or design. So, when I followed a link from Mental Floss to a list of body modifications the writer had found particularly disturbing, I expected to see some pretty out-there practices on there. Most of them, however, were pretty vanilla--earlobe stretching, tongue forking, subdermal implants (like fake horns), branding, jewelry implanted into the first layer of the eye, corneal tattooing (but not, oddly enough, the ridiculous practice of getting a tat on the inside of your mouth).

And then I saw pearling. A little known fact about me: a true New England girl, I love pearls, and would probably be the happiest girl alive to receive a single strand of black pearls or a single black pearl on a silver chain as a gift (say, for an upcoming holiday). Pearling, however, has very little to do with jewelry.

As it turns out, "pearling" refers to the practice of implanting small round surgical steel or titanium balls under the skin of the penis. It is also less commonly done to the skin surrounding the vagina or anus. I did a little research into this, and discovered that it is not cosmetically attractive. In fact, in low lighting the pearls could easily be mistaken for warts or other signs of infection (O, how I wish what has been seen could be unseen!), and its only purpose is to enhance the non-pearled partner's sexual pleasure. Apparently, the pearled one may experience some elevation of pleasure at first, but it doesn't last, and it may actually cause the act of achieving an erection excruciatingly painful. The process is extremely painful, has a very, very long healing process (we're talking months of celibacy here readers), and, more often than not, results in an extremely unpleasant infection (which can lead to impotence, infertility and urinary, kidney and prostate damage).

Now, I consider myself fairly enlightened. I've seen Pink Flamingos. But what I cannot for the life of me figure out is why you would go through such a seemingly risky process for someone else's orgasm. Particularly when you can purchase "intimacy aids" made of molded plastic that feature pearled surfaces (and, sometimes, multi-speed motors), that you can use without months of waiting. Especially when it gives you the appearance of a nasty infection!

So Inappropriate!

2008-12-12T09:44:00.001-08:00

Being unemployed means I have tons of time to do super fun things, like watch daytime television. Today I tuned in to watch Tyra, and boy, oh boy was it a nightmare!

Her guests were Robert Pattinson and Taylor Lautner from the movie Twilight, and I think it was the most uncomfortable interview I have ever seen. I'm pretty sure there's a guy being interrogated at Guantanamo Bay thinking, "Wow, I'm getting off easy compared to those two!" (Okay, probably not, but you get the idea.)

First, Tyra came at them with way too much energy. She was bouncing around in her seat and putting on an awful British accent (much to Robert's embarrassment). Her first question to Robert was that she heard that, since he plays a vampire, that his fans have asked him to bite them. With embarrassment, he admitted that this was true, and then Tyra insisted that he bite her. He really didn't want to, but she basically refused to move the interview forward until he bit her--and then she freaked out about how good it felt to have him bite her. Then she complimented Taylor's teeth, but declined to have him bite her.

She next said that their fans are forming Team Robert and Team Taylor fan groups--and proved it by giving them G-strings printed with Team Robert and Team Taylor, which the boys obviously didn't want. Poor Taylor didn't even want to touch his!

Then Tyra proved that the people around her lie to her. She says, "And I hear one of you is a big fan of the show." Robert and Taylor just looked at each other. After a brief awkward silence, she says, "Robert, I hear you watch the show." He looked completely baffled and said, "Oh, I just wasn't sure if Taylor had said it too." So then she asked him what episode of her show had been his favorite, and he tried to politely extract himself by saying he couldn't pick just one. My guess is what really happened was that Robert's people told Tyra's people he had seen the show before, and Tyra's people told her he watched it all the time.

She finished the show by noting once again that Robert Pattinson bit her and mentioning how hot these boys are (Taylor, by the way, confessed to being underage). It was just creepy and pervy, and I've never seen two boys more uncomfortable or a grown woman more oblivious to how inappropriate her behavior was.

Oh, Bureaucracy

2008-12-11T16:24:00.000-08:00

Lots of people are unemployed...including soon-to-be former Governor Blagojevich. So it's understandable that the people who work for various unemployment offices are really busy. My local office usually has a line around the block before the office opens in the morning.

At this point I've been unemployed for almost five weeks, but I had yet to receive a single payment. I started trying to call them last week. Usually, they're so busy that I have to call at least half a dozen times before I am able to get through to an operator, who is only able to transfer me to an account representative. And the representatives are always busy, so it goes to their voicemails. By noon yesterday, I had left 13 voicemails.

Then I got a letter yesterday telling me that my claim had been denied because I had not worked during the eligibility period. WHAT??? I had worked at the same job without so much as taking a vacation for 18 months.

So I called and they told me that the best thing for me to do was to go to the office. So at 1:30 yesterday afternoon, I turned up at the office in a blind panic. When I checked in, they pulled up my file and the woman says, "Well here's your problem: You didn't have a job. This says the employer you claimed to have worked for denies you ever worked there." So I show her my final pay stub, my dismissal letter and my business card (you never know) and she says, "Well, you'll have to file an appeal," and then calls for the next person in line.

Okay, I am not about to simply be dismissed. I've never been on unemployment before, so I have no idea what's going on and I want to talk to someone. Obviously, no one is returning my calls, so I'm not going anywhere until I speak to someone. So I stand my ground and ask if there's someone I can speak with. The woman rolls her eyes and puts my name on the list.

At 4:45, they call my name (the office closes at 5). They take me and several other people and put us in a smaller room, where we wait to be called one by one to speak with a representative. Finally, they call my name.

The woman pulls up my file, then says, "Okay, this says your claim has been denied. Let's see why." I give her all my paperwork, she takes my dismissal letter, and then looks at the page in my file that applies to my job. "Well, here's the problem. Someone checked the wrong box. This says that your employer didn't even dispute your claim, and someone accidentally marked that they denied you worked there. I'll just uncheck it and you'll get all your money by Monday."

This has been so stressful and frustrating, that I burst into tears right there in the office. Apparently, this happens a lot, so she just hands me a tissue and says, "Okay, everything's fine now. Off you go."

Then today I was temping, and when it was done and I turned my phone back on, three people from unemployment had called me to let me know that there had been a problem with my claim, but it had been resolved.

Now, I understand that these people are overworked and underpaid and probably have a lot of people, like several of the people I was waiting with yesterday, who refuse to deal with them rationally and humanly but prefer to scream at them about "messin' with my money." But give me a break. I've been panicking for a week, leaving several messages per day, and only AFTER I turn up in person does anyone return my messages? Maybe they should solve part of the unemployment problem by hiring us as caseworkers.

A Double Shot is Twice as Ikki (and Icky)

2008-12-10T15:55:00.000-08:00

It seems that Tila Tequila didn't want to come back for a third shot at love, so MTV had to replace her. But who could they get that would be adequately skanky? Well, in order to achieve that level of skeeztasticity, you need not one but TWO bisexual bachelorettes. Enter the Ikki twins, new hosts of the renamed A Double Shot at Love on MTV.

That's right, the Ikki (pronounced Icky) twins, Vikki and Rikki, claim to be bisexuals working together to each find one person they can love until the camera stops rolling. They have 12 lesbians (minus the one girl who got kicked off last night who said she was straight) and 12 straight men who will be moving into a house somewhere deep within the herpes hot zone and will be picked off one by one until only one partner remains for each twin.

The twist? The contestants don't know that the Ikkis are twins! And boy are they excited when they find out!

Frankly, when it was Tila Tequila it was a sad, disgusting publicity stunt for a nobody trying to build her brand by being "shocking." Now it's even sadder and more disgusting, because these are just nameless models trying to up the shock factor. Is there anyone left in America who's still shocked by bisexuals? Or at least by girls who claim to be bisexual?

Here's my shocking prediction for how the show will end: one Ikki will pick a girl and the other will pick a boy. And both relationships will be over by the reunion show.

I didn't want to be popular anyway

2008-12-08T19:54:00.001-08:00

Well, it's the end of the year, and it's getting close to Oscar time, and the buzz is all Heath Ledger, all the time. I might be alone here, but, while it's awful that he's died, his performance in Dark Knight doesn't warrant an award.

In my opinion, an award-winning performance shows audiences something new, something they haven't seen before. What Heath Ledger gave us in his depiction of The Joker was derivative. Basically, the Ledger Joker was the love child of Jack Nicholson's performance of Jack Torrance in The Shining and Brad Pitt's Jeffery Goines from 12 Monkeys. The hunched shoulders, rambling gait, the gravelly voice: it was all Jack Torrance, all Jack Nicholson. Go ahead and compare the two images; part Heath's hair on the other side and he even looks like Jack in face paint, right down to the receding hairline. Yes, it was a new spin on The Joker, but more than anything, that new spin is thanks to the hair and makeup design that took it from being a campy comic book depiction Tim Burton gave us (and I love Tim Burton's version of the film) to being a seedy, dirty, gritty, realistic character. Can we really give Heath Ledger credit for wearing the makeup and costume well, or interacting with the lights and the city?

Let's be honest: if Heath Ledger wins this award, it will be for two reasons. First, it will be because he died young and tragically. Second, it will be because the academy feels guilty for passing him over for the Best Actor award he deserved for Brokeback Mountain. Now, I don't think Brokeback Mountain was all that great a film, but Ledger's performance as a man who falls in love with another man and is tormented to the point of self-loathing by his uncertain sexuality was the most compelling part of that film.

So let the hate pour in, but I honestly don't think Heath Ledger was the best actor of 2008.

On the Fourth of December, I Don't Want to Hear...

2008-12-04T15:30:00.001-08:00

So, you should sing the title of this post to the tune of the 12 Days of Christmas, which is just one of the songs I don't want to hear anymore--and, not only is it just December 4, but I haven't done any Christmas shopping yet! Please find below 10 more holiday favorites I don't want to hear again.

1. So This is Christmas, John Lennon
I feel like this song should just plain be banned, because it's been used on so many starving orphan commercials that it always makes me cry. Christmas is not about crying, unless you get crappy gifts.

2. The Christmas Song, Alvin and the Chipmunks
Even when I was a kid, this song bugged the poop out of me. There's something inherently creepy about it.

3. All I Want for Christmas is You, Mariah Carey
Despite its association with the film Love, Actually, where it is sung by an adorable little American girl (a great Christmas film, by the way), the Mariah version makes me want to tear off my skin and run screaming up and down my street.

4. Jingle Bell Rock, Brenda Lee
Although this is probably the best performance of the song, thanks to the look on Ana Gasteyer's face, Lizzie Caplan's comment says it all: "Everyone in the English speaking world knows that song." And there is no escaping it.

5. Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer, Dr. Elmo
Oh, good lord. This song is a necessity at any redneck holiday bash, like the kinds they have in Buckner, Missouri (big ups to my peeps in B-ner!!). However, the novelty of the song wore off for me somewhere around the third grade. This song, by the way, was first released in 1979, which is also known as the greatest year in history, as it is the year in which I was born--no math, please!

6. Santa Claus is Coming to Town, Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band
Okay, I don't have much time to type this before the transport to Guantanamo Bay arrives to pick me up, but I hate Bruce Springsteen. I don't like this song to begin with, but Bruce & Co. doesn't add a damn thing to it. This video, however, appears to show Bruce having a stroke before he starts playing, so please, go ahead and enjoy it, as long as you're out of earshot for me.

7. Oh Holy Night, Cher
This song is apparently mandatory for all female vocalists (I love you, Kelly Clarkson!!), but frankly, Cher's the one who ruined it for the rest of the gang. Actually, it's not Cher so much as the slew of weirdos and drag queens who try to imitate Cher's rendition.

8. Wonderful Christmastime, Paul McCartney
Kudos, Paul, for discovering the synthesizer, but this song is just too much. I am fully convinced that I can have a wonderful Christmastime without it.

9. The Twelve Days of Christmas
FIIIIVE GOOOL-DEN RIIIINNNNGGSSSS! What else is there to say?

10. Last Christmas, Wham
This is easily the worst of the worst when it comes to Christmas songs I don't ever want to hear again, and whenever I walk into Target or Dominick's, it starts playing. Without fail. It's almost like they've replaced the anti-theft sensors with something to detect me which communicates with the muzak to turn on Last Christmas. Nope, not paranoid. And, I don't know what's worse, the song, or that George Michael is pretending to sing it to a woman.

Tonight, the Role of Jesus Will Be Played By ...

2008-12-03T19:51:00.000-08:00

Jack Black? Hey, if it helps!

See more Jack Black videos at Funny or Die

And the biggest tool is...

2008-12-01T09:18:00.001-08:00

Last night on The Pickup Artist 2 Mystery (whose real name is "Erik") announced that Simeon was the big winner! That's Simeon, whose name is pronounced Simian, as in ape-like. I was actually cheering for this guy to lose because he seemed the most like someone who had the potential to be a worthwhile human being, but, unfortunately, he's now been named the best at convincing a girl at a bar that he has some interest in them as a human being when, really, he's just trying to get someone to make out with him. And he gets to train other losers to dress up like idiots and go out and do the same thing. Congratulations, Simeon, you're a big tool.

I was actually watching the show Criminal Minds last week, and they featured a character that was obviously based on Mystery, whose predatory messages about being a pickup artist encouraged a serial killer to move from killing prostitutes to girls he picked up in bars. This made me really think about The Pickup Artist and the things Mystery teaches them. At the end of the day, all he really teaches people is common sense: be presentable and pay attention to the signals other people are giving you.

Honestly, he gives all these guys makeovers at the beginning of the show. When Simeon came in, he had shaggy hair, long sideburns and a mustache. Okay, mustaches are horrifying, and he did need some cleaning up. But, what Mystery did to him, was pierce his eyebrow, paint his nails, buy him a bunch of rings and necklaces and encourage him to wear hats. I like piercings, but only on guys who look like they ought to have them. Nail polish on men, take it or leave it. Jewelry, with the exception of a watch and a wedding band, should always, always, always be a no-no for men. And a hat? Um, if I meet you and you're wearing a hat and it's not cold out, I am going to guess that you're balding.

What Mystery teaches his students, in terms of paying attention to the cues people are giving him, is probably right on the money. However, those ridiculous games and magic tricks he uses to have an excuse to touch girls are way, way out of line. Any guy who grabs for my hands and says, "I want to do a trust test," the answer is, "Don't touch me, you creepy loser." I still don't understand what has to be wrong with a girl to get her to fall for that.

Here's a no-brainer: the best advice all season came from Tara, the traitor to her gender who has been enlisted to help train future pickup artists. She said, over and over and over, "Just treat them like they're a person." I still don't understand why people have to learn that.

So, congratulations to Simeon. And ladies, if some guy comes up to you in a club and says, "Hey, what's this from: Nobody puts Baby in a corner," walk away, because Simeon is about to try to pick you up.

Traditional Thanksgiving Ham?

2008-11-28T19:33:00.001-08:00

So we went to J's family's house for Thanksgiving. I, because I was raised properly, showed up with a French silk pie and offered to help his mom in the kitchen. His dad handed me 2 cans of green beans and the biggest can of cream of mushroom soup I've ever seen and asked me to make the green bean casserole. I have no idea how to make green bean casserole. I don't even like green bean casserole. Then we discovered that they had decided to make ham. We're still not quite sure why. It's not a family tradition or anything.

So we had a Thanksgiving without a turkey, but with plenty of family--three kids who, at one point as they were beating the tar out of J, seemed like 30 kids. Holidays are kind of a rough time, since my family live so far away. Last year, I couldn't get enough time off work to go visit my family; this year, I don't have a job and can't afford to go visit my family. It's kind of special for me to be able to spend the day with J's family, so the thing I am most thankful for this year is J, for sharing his family with me since I couldn't be with my own.

I did follow it up with my usual day-after-Thanksgiving tradition: not leaving the house. I did not get up before any sane hour to go shopping. I did not fight other people for free gifts at Express (I worked there one holiday season, and there was a legitimate fistfight over the last free red sequined clutch--Detroit is a TOUGH city!). We did end up going to Microcenter after dinner to return the Xbox 360 J bought to replace the one that was stolen, and then re-purchased it to get a free $50 gift card.

I have to say, I think Christmas shopping is probably my least favorite thing in the world to do. I hate the mall during the holiday. There's just too many people, and most of them are so focused on getting whatever they're after that they pay absolutely no attention to the people around them. I don't like big crowds, and I like them even less when they're trying to save $4 on a jingle ball sweater. And it's cold outside, so I have to wear a jacket, but it's hot inside. So I'm overheated, overcrowded and overannoyed. I am the person for whom Internet shopping was invented.

Giving Thanks

2008-11-26T17:48:00.000-08:00

Oh, it is that time of year. Let's make a list of things to be Thankful for:

1. That J was not at home when his house was burgled last week, and that, while he lost some stuff, nothing was irreplaceable. (Please note that ferrets are not particularly good guard animals, especially when they are caged.)

2. That the price of gas went down, just as I lost my job.

3. That I have a job interview on Monday!!

4. That J's mom is a super-good cook (even better than me) and she's making dinner tomorrow!

5. Family and friends (which should go without saying).

6. That even though my roommate has been traveling a lot and is only home one day a week, she's still willing to to pitch in and pay half for the gas and electric.

7. That you can return Blockbuster Online rentals to the store, so I'm never without a movie!

8. Fat pants, after consuming 15 pounds of food on Thanksgiving!

9. Internet full of weird, weird pictures whose copyrights I can infringe upon to post to my blog.

Happy Day of Giving Thanks, all!

The Hand that Feeds? Yummy!

2008-11-23T18:04:00.000-08:00

What do Terrence Howard, Katherine Heigl and Kristen Stewart all have in common? A real taste for biting the hand that feeds.

Terrence Howard said, while on the press tour for Iron Man, that he wished he had never started acting, that he had just concentrated on his music and focused on becoming successful that way. Well, while the four people who actually bought his album might be on his side there (and share DNA with him), the producers were not impressed by his likening acting to being with a whore--it gets the job done but it doesn't really satisfy--and Don Cheadle will be playing Rhody in Iron Man 2.

And Katherine Heigl? Where do we start? First, she trashed Knocked Up while promoting the film. Then she takes herself out of contention for an Emmy--before having been nominated for one--by saying that she didn't feel that she'd been given adequate material to deserve the nomination. Um, Katie, you stupid, stupid bitch? If you haven't been given the material, you won't get nominated and you won't have to worry about it. The result? Apparently, she's been given some asinine storyline wherein she may or may not be crazy and she may or may not be getting the boot from her show. I don't know for sure, though, because Grey's Anatomy is just so miserable a show I can't watch it.

And now, in an interview that was published in Newsday (and syndicated in Chicago's Red Eye) Kristen Stewart said of her film Twilight, which opened Friday:

Sometimes I'd be like, "This is crap. This is the worst, most trite piece of crap I've ever done in my life." I love the books, but trying to do it in real life, it doesn't translate. [...] What else does it do for me, besides facilitate me making the next movie I want to make? Nothing.

Um, what??? Granted, she's an 18-year-old girl who's made a several films, and this film is being touted as her breakout film role, but seriously, who is her press handler? Does she also not recognize that the film is based on the first of a series of four books? That means at least four more films she'd be the first choice for--if she doesn't do something retarded like call it a trite piece of crap.

What are these people thinking? Is there something going on in Hollywood where you sign over your common sense when you sign on to do a film? How stupid to you have to be to criticize the thing that enables you to pay your bills?

The Happening, Ironically

2008-11-21T11:29:00.000-08:00

***Note: This posting contains spoilers, so if your taste in movies is bad enough that you're interested in seeing this film, don't read anymore.***

I rented The Happening, even though M. Night Shyamalan has only made one good film in his entire career, and this wasn't it. I picked it because I'm a big, big, big John Leguizamo fan, and I thought if anything could make a Shamalan film worth watching, it would be him. Unfortunately, since he wasn't allowed to act, he couldn't. Like all the other characters, he was only allowed to stare vacantly into the camera. Mark Wahlberg is a terrible actor, so it was no surprise that he was awful. Zooey Deschanel is usually good, but, like Leguizamo, the director couldn't get anything out of her.

I will admit, that the film kept my attention. The tension builds and builds and then...nothing. My guess is that M. Night probably has a pretty good sense of humor, since he titled the film The Happening and not a damn thing happens.

Here's the film, in a nutshell: In New York's Central Park, the wind blows and a bunch of people are compelled to kill themselves. This spreads throughout the "North East," from Massachusetts to Maryland (which, for those of you who know geography, is the lower North East and the upper Mid-Atlantic states) and stays entirely within the political borders of the states. The deaths are caused by a neurotoxin being produced by plants, and, whenever people gather in groups of more than 5, it sets off the toxins. People split up and try to out run it, and then it just stops. And then it starts again in France. The end.

There's a heavy-handed sub-plot where Zooey tells Mark that she worked late but she was really having dessert with a coworker who keeps calling her and their marriage is falling apart, but it's just so clunky and makes Mark Wahlberg look so pathetic. There's about 20 minutes with a crazy woman, but then she dies. I think there was an attempt at some sort of psychological something, but it was so poorly done it's not worth mentioning.

The best part of the movie? If you watch the special features, in the gag reel, Mark Wahlberg says to M. Night, "Okay, so if the house is boarded up and if it looks like no one lives there, why would we think there would be fresh groceries there?" That pretty much sums up the whole film.

Yes, Virginia, The Happening is a terrible film.

Poppin' Fresh Blog

2008-11-20T19:00:00.000-08:00

Hello all--please let me introduce you to my other blog, Projekt Pink. This is dedicated to the reading, viewing and research for my dissertation, which I have picked back up again now that I am no longer working 10-12 hours a day.

Why Projekt Pink? Well, I like the letter K. The dissertation is also about sexuality and television, namely queer sexualities.

And I am inviting you all to look at it, read the questions I'm working with and through, offer theories and advice, suggest reading and/or viewing material and interact with the ideas and materials.

So please, come visit me at my other home on the web!

A Big, Fat Moral Question

2008-11-18T19:29:00.000-08:00

Above are some of my favorite things--cheeseburgers, cupcakes and fries. Add a coke and you've got a yummy, yummy meal.

Of course, you've also got a meal that's not very good for me. If I eat it anyway, then I'm responsible for the heartburn and fat-ass-itis that goes along with it.

But, if I'm a little girl and someone else feeds it to me, then who's responsible for the health effects?

When I was at the grocery store the other day, I saw a girl who must have been 8 or 9 years old and about 4-foot-6. And she was wearing a women's size 16 jean (the tag was sticking out and I could see it), and even though it was the petite cut, the cuffs were folded up inside and pinned just below her knees.

This little girl probably weighed about 200 pounds, and hadn't even hit puberty yet.

But the story gets worse: She was shopping with her mom, who probably had a $300 hair weave. She was snacking on this vile-smelling microwave pizza they were giving away. In her mother's full grocery cart there was frozen pizzas, heat-and-serve dinners, lunch box-sized bags of chips, frozen burritos, and 2-liter bottles of root beer, orangeade and fruit punch--except that the orangeade and fruit punch were the soda kind that contain no actual fruit juice (and says it on the bottle).

There were no vegetables, no fruit, no fresh meats, and no juice. Only high fat, high sodium, high sugar instant foods.

The mom was heavy herself, so you could say that genetics has a role in the fact that the little girl was fat, but if that shopping cart is indicative of the diet they eat, that ain't helpin'.

Now, 200 pounds at my height is considered obese, so I can imagine that at the girl's size it's at least obese, if not morbidly obese. And her mother isn't doing anything to make her less so.

While I hope this little girl is healthy, what would happen if she wasn't. If she develops diabetes, high blood pressure or has a heart attack, whose fault is it--and will a mother who's not smart enough to give her child juice with juice in it know it's her fault? Is letting your child get that fat a form of child abuse? Should the little girl, for her own protection, be removed from her mother's care and be placed with someone who will take better care of her health?

Hot Boys

2008-11-17T13:48:00.000-08:00

Today a list of the 25 hottest men in Hollywood was released. Travesty of travesties, my boyfriend Robert Downey, Jr. was not number one. Who was? Well...

25. Josh Duhamel
24. Matthew McConaughey
23. Will Smith
22. Christian Bale
21. Nigel Barker
20. Simon Baker (who I always confuse with Thomas Jane)
19. Jason Statham
18. Robert Downey, Jr. (ROBBED!!!)
17. Daniel Craig
16. Patrick Dempsey
15. Mario Lopez
14. Jake Gyllenhaal
13. Anderson Cooper
12. Gabriel Aubrey
11. Joshua Jackson (yay Pacey!)
10. Leonardo DiCaprio
9. Mark Wahlberg
8. Brad Pitt
7. Robert Pattinson
6. Djimon Hounsou
5. George Clooney
4. Ryan Reynolds
3. Gerard Butler
2. David Beckham
1. Josh Brolin

Okay, what??? While I'm glad to see no Jonas brothers here, why are there so many unattractive men on this list? Who decided this? Where are Jonathan Rhys-Meyers, Ewen McGregor, Thomas Jane, Callum Blue and Freddie Rodriguez? How in the hell did Becks and Marky Mark get on this list? And why is Leo DiCaprio so puffy? He's starting to resemble Boy George, with hair. And Robert Pattinson and his unibrow have only been famous for like 5 minutes. Has Twilight even come out yet?

Grrr... Readers, who else is missing or doesn't deserve to be on this list (like Josh Douche-hamel)? Give me some more names! And, as a pre-participation treat, here's Jordan Catalano:

Because the best stuff always happens to me

2008-11-15T18:42:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I had an interview with a temp agency (don't think that's going to be a particularly positive move--it's not exactly a "high-end" or "classy" agency), and, of course, it turned into a minor disaster.

As I was getting off the train, some guy tried to grab my purse. Fortunately, I was holding the purse tightly enough so that he didn't get it. Unfortunately, I was holding the purse tightly enough that, when it didn't come off my arm, it knocked me onto the ground. And it was raining.

I'm wet and muddy. My right hand is bleeding. I'm also 20 minutes early, so I run into a CVS and pick up some bandaids, then run across the street and duck into a McDonalds. I get my hands all bandaged up and dry my pants off under the hand dryer, then use the hairbrush from my purse to clean the mud off and go to the interview.

Final injury count: swelling and cuts to pinkie and ring finger of right hand; twisted right ankle; bruising to the outer arch of the right foot; scratches and swelling on the palm and back of right hand (yeah, somehow managed to injure both sides of my hand); two very large scraped patches on right knee, one of which will not stop oozing ick; seriously injured pride.

People keep asking me why I didn't call the police. Frankly, I can't tell them anything. All I know is a white guy wearing running clothes tried to grab my purse and ran away. He came up behind me, so I didn't see his face. Nothing to tell.

In other news, I had my Teach for America phone interview this morning, and I think it went fairly well. I hate phone interviews because there's no way to judge how well or how poorly you're doing, but I think I said the right things (and, more importantly, I said honest things), so I'm hoping that I'll get to have an in-person interview. Keep your fingers crossed for me!

Be Vewy Quiet...I's Huntin' Paychecks

2008-11-12T20:31:00.000-08:00

Unemployment, Day 3.

So, here's some good news: I have an interview with a temp agency on Friday. They're looking for someone to proctor exams for a law school for 2 weeks. It pays better than minimum wage...not much, but it's a paycheck and I would rather take that for 2 weeks than an unemployment check. I know it's what it's there for, but I've got all that pride and stuff, and I'd rather work. And, we'll talk more about the other things I can do and what else the agency might be able to do for me.

And here's some ridiculous news: I got an invitation from a headhunter to apply to work as a financial adviser. Me. A financial adviser. Even Ben up there looks irritated by that. (Or he's got a cramp in his hand from writing so many crappy essays.) Here are three reasons me working with money would be a bad idea:

1. I don't have any money. Since I've never had to make any major financial decisions for myself--other than whether it's worth the extra 60 cents to supersize it--I don't think I'm particularly qualified to make decisions about other people's money.

2. I don't believe that money exists. I don't know where it comes from, or where it goes, but when we're talking about needing to put billions of dollars into our economy, I can't wrap my head around it. Is there actually a room somewhere with a billion dollars in cash in it? Frankly, I think there's just this sort of idea of money that's in no way, shape or form backed up by actual coin and paper.

3. I have really, really bad math skills. Really bad. I'm pretty sure that when one is working with money, which is quantified by numbers, that being able to add, subtract, multiply and divide is a key skill to have.

Hopefully, though, something else I have in the works will come through for me. Before I was made redundant, I had applied for the Teach for America program. Tomorrow, I find out whether or not I get an interview. Watch this space.

Hulk...BORE!

2008-11-10T15:41:00.001-08:00

I finally finished watching The Incredible Hulk today. I started trying to watch it Friday night. And Saturday night. And Sunday afternoon. And Sunday night. That's how boring this movie is.

First of all, the movie had two things in it I really don't like--Edward Norton and Liv Tyler. Ed Norton is just kind of a big weenie whose facial expression, no matter what the role or the emotion he's trying to convey, always clearly reflects that he'd prefer to be anywhere else on earth doing anything else because he's smarter and more competent than whoever else is in the scene with him. Of course, he gets out-acted by a dog in this film, so there's what I think about that. And Liv Tyler always both looks and sounds like she's very, very confused, so confused, in fact, that she is about to cry.

But, in case you haven't seen the film, here's what happens: Ed Norton is chased by the U.S. military. He turns into the Hulk. Tim Roth gets a little boost to make him super-human. He chases Ed, who turns into the Hulk, but this time protects Liv from getting hurt. Then the military chases Ed and Liv, who go to the doctor to try to cure Ed. Tim gets some of Ed's blood from the doctor and gets all Hulky. Big final showdown where Hulk-Ed and Hulk-Tim fight. Hulk-Ed wins and escapes, and then, in the best moment in the entire movie, there is a cameo by my boyfriend Robert Downey, Jr. as Tony Stark.

The end. I have now saved you the four days it takes to watch this film.

Even more sad news

2008-11-09T17:47:00.000-08:00

Today's a sad, sad day. Brian, the crazy be-afroed Asian has been kicked off The Pickup Artist 2. Actually, this is not so sad. Since he didn't learn Mystery's magic technique, he probably won't actually ever touch a boobie, much less reproduce.

Okay, on tonight's epic pickup adventure, first the nerds make up stories about themselves so that women would bid on them at a charity auction. The lad who won made up a story about having gone to Italy to learn wine making, but he was quickly followed by the Mormon contestant who revealed that he had left for his mission "a boy and came back a man." I wonder how the Mormon church feels about him learning how to take advantage of drunk bar hags. Just saying.

Mystery had the nerds picking up "hired guns." This means that they were picking up bikini models following a fashion show--and, shockingly enough, wingskank Tara reveals to the audience that she had earned a lot of money over the years as a hired gun (a girl who is hired to be a waitress/model/bartender only because they're "hot"). And, finally, one of the guys who had been consistently criticized for being "too high energy" and "showing too much interest" in the girls as human beings, won the challenge. How? By being himself--and agreeing to go get a pedicure with one of the bikini models. Of course, it doesn't hurt that this guy is probably the most attractive of the guys.

And then Brian got kicked off, and he was devastated. I still don't get it. Basically, Mystery teaches these boys how to be douchebags, and they love it. And other people PAY to be taught how to be douchebags. Why? All you have to do is go to Lincoln Park and you can get a demo of how to be a douche for free. And the Popped Collar former frat boy won't be biting Linda Perry (of 4-Non Blondes) look.

How I'll be spending my days...

2008-11-08T16:19:00.000-08:00

Well, readers, Friday was my last day at work. I have officially been fired for a number of reasons, not all of which were within my control. Clearly, this sucks, but I'm mobilizing myself and I'm on the hunt for something new. And, in the meantime, I will be throwing on the ol' Storm Trooper costume and riding the el to cash unemployment checks.

I did, however, have some warning that this might be coming, so I had actually already started the application process for the Teach for America program. I'm hoping to get placed in the Chicago Public School district, making a difference in the lives of urban youth. Which I suspect will be preferable to making money for a vacuum cleaner company.

So yeah, that's my story; I'm Jobless McGee at the moment. Sigh.

How Lame I Am...

2008-10-31T21:42:00.000-07:00

My roommate has started having to travel for her job, and so I'll be living solo for the next 3 weeks. 3 weeks of having everything in my house exactly the way I want it. I can make curry, and not have to worry about the smell bothering someone else! I can watch whatever I want on TV. I can leave my jammies on the bathroom floor! The toilet will always be closed. And just for the record, I don't prefer the toilet closed because of germs, but because I don't want to drop things into it. And because an open, gaping toilet is a little bit like an open, gaping mouth, and it brings back that primal fear all children have of being eaten by the potty.

And speaking of fears, to celebrate my first night living solo--and on Halloween, no less--I decided I would lie on the couch and watch all 5 hours of Bravo's 100 Greatest Horror Movies.

I love scary movies. I love being scared, particularly when I know it's all not real and when I turn on the lights I'll be nice and safe and all the monsters/psycho killers will be gone. Of course, I'm home alone, so to temper the fear of film, I was watching the food network during the commercial breaks. Nothing is less frightening than watching Guy Fieri eat.

But at some point, I realized, damn, I'm going to have to go to bed. By myself. In the dark. After watching hour after hour of the scariest scenes in the scariest films ever made. And I actually suspect my roommate's bedroom may be semi-haunted.

So, over the last half hour, which good old Guy on my TV, I made sure all the doors were locked, I brushed my teeth, and washed my face. I turned out the light in the living room, watched the scariest clip from the scariest movie (disappointing spoiler alert--it was the opening sequence from Jaws), watched another 10 minutes of Guy, and then went to bed.

On my way to my room, I switched off the kitchen light, leaving my house completely dark. And then, a noise.

I heard a rattling, thumping sound. So there I am, in the dark, completely frozen. What the hell was that?? Probably not Jaws, but maybe it's Freddy or Jason or Pinhead. What am I going to do??

It's the ice maker.

I nearly peed my pants because the ice maker dropped a load of ice into the bin. I am that lame.

But, in honor of this experience, my next posting will be the ten movie moments that most deeply terrified me. And all y'all feel free to play along.

Logic Should Be Mandatory

2008-10-29T21:22:00.000-07:00

So, I was reading this article today about why people were (or weren't) voting, and this one woman said something that frankly convinced me that we do need the Electoral College to protect us from ourselves. A young woman from Chicago said that she thought health insurance should be mandatory. Okay, that's maybe a strong way to word it, but yes, everyone should have health insurance.

But here's where it falls apart. Her line of reasoning was that if having auto insurance was mandatory, then having health insurance should also be mandatory.

A couple of reasons this makes no sense...

1. Having a car...not mandatory. Being alive sort of is.

2. How do we enforce this and what is the penalty? If you're caught driving without insurance, you pay a fine and/or lose your license. If you're caught living without health insurance, should we kill you?

3. Most people who don't have health insurance don't have it because they can't afford it and are spending the money they have on other things. Like food. I guess if health insurance is made mandatory and people have to do without food to get it, then they'll have the best of care when they show up at the emergency room suffering from starvation.

Okay, I am a rational person, and I know what this girl was trying to say was that everyone should have health insurance, not necessarily that everyone should have to buy it and maintain it and there should be penalties for being without it. But the way she worded it, she came out looking a wee bit stupid. Although this is compounded by the fact that she is in her 20s and said her dad helped her fill out the form. I don't know about other states, but in Illinois, you pretty much have to know your name, address, date of birth, phone number and social secutiry number. If you need your dad to help you with that, then I don't want you to do anything that might somehow affect me. Like voting.

You've got crabs!

2008-10-22T19:04:00.000-07:00

Okay, so you've just broken up with your girlfriend and/or boyfriend. But what's this? It burns when you pee? You have a firey itch in your nether regions? Dammit, and you swore you'd never speak to them again!

Well, this website, which has been getting some pretty controversial press lately, has a way to tell them without having to see or speak to them. You can send them an email. Anonymously.

InSpot.org, a website developed by Internet Sexuality Information Services, enables people who have discovered they've caught an STD to inform all their partners in an email, with the option to either identify yourself or send the information notice anonymously. Because there's nothing I'd like better than to find an email from God only knows who in my inbox telling me I may have a dose of the clap.

Of course, I do have to appreciate the fact that, although you don't have to take responsibility for your actions, you are able to responsibly inform people that you may have either given or gotten an STD from. But, I can think of a few other benefits to that anonymity.

Say, for example, you're a cheating bastard and one of the bar hoes you hooked up with while your girl was out of town gave you syphilis. You can tell your girl to get tested without her knowing she may have gotten it from you. And, as a bonus, she'll feel awful when she tells you that she may have been exposed and you should get tested too!

Or, you've slept with your upstairs neighbor/landlord and he turned out to be a slimy jerk. What better revenge than to send an anonymous note letting him know he needs to get tested for chlamydia? I hear that's a particularly painful test for the lads. (Not naming names, but you know who you are.)

By the way, the author of this blog does not encourage casual sex, excessive promiscuity or contracting an STD. Nor does she condone having sex with a slimy neighbor/landlord and taking revenge on said slimy neighbor/landlord, unless he truly deserves it. Which he probably does.

Wow, do I feel bad for this kid's family...

2008-10-19T19:42:00.000-07:00

So I watched episode 2 of How to Get Crotch Rot--I mean, The Pickup Artist 2 on VH-1, on which Brian, faced with the prospect of having to choose 2 of the other douchebags-in-training to be his "wingmen" (i.e. people he would share his talent win with to make them safe from being eliminated) said the following:

"I know it's only been 2 weeks, but I feel like these guys are really like members of my family. They're like a hair on my butt."

Okay, what?

If you regard the members of your family with all the love and respect as a hair on your butt, something tells me you either undervalue your family or overvalue your ass hair.

And frankly, although I will never stop wondering what kind of women actually respond to the techniques "Mystery" is teaching, perhaps Captain Butt Hair here shouldn't be taught to pick up women on the off chance one will actually sleep with him and spread his genetic material to another generation.

In other news, Mystery gave one of the contestants a "special tool" to help him pick up women in the club--a fluffy black boa. And the special tool who got this accessory from Mystery (you see what I did there?) had no idea what to do with it. He just kind of put it around his neck and pretended he wasn't wearing it. According to Mystery, however, that accessory is "magic in [his] hands."

Okay, show of hands, who amongst us would not run from a man in a club wearing a fluffy boa?

What Stinks? Not Subtle Butt!

2008-10-16T19:53:00.000-07:00

There's really nothing else to say.

Oh, to be dead...

2008-10-15T19:43:00.001-07:00

If you've ever met me, you know how obsessed I am with television. Honestly, having television shows available by the series to rent on DVD is like discovering you can get crack from a vending machine--sweet, decadent and hopelessly addictive.

I am currently obsessed with Dead Like Me, a show that once aired on Showtime, but, alas, is no longer being filmed. It follows George Lass (played by Ellen Muth), an 18-year-old girl who was killed by a toilet seat falling from space and goes on to become a grim reaper. The show also features Rube (Mandy Patinkin) who plays the boss/father reaper, Daisy (Laura Harris) a reaper who died while an extra in gone with the wind, Roxy (Jasmine Guy) the takes-no-crap reaper who invented leg warmers and was then killed by her roommate for the patent, and Mason (Callum Blue) a British reaper who drilled a hole in his own skull while on drugs in the '60s.

These reapers are in charge of violent deaths--murders, suicides, accidents--so the souls they reap tend to go in some pretty interesting ways, but the reapers get themselves into some pretty interesting predicaments. They work crappy dull jobs (reaping doesn't pay), they steal, they run cons, they constantly eat at the same waffle house. Except that every character is depressed about helping other souls move on while being stuck un-dead, they almost make being dead seem like a fun job!

This show is hysterically funny, but with some very real, human, touching and poignant moments. George is grumpy and sarcastic, like someone else we all know, and we are treated to her inner monologue when she's thinking the things we all think but don't say out loud. It's a bit like being in my head...but that's not the point. These reapers are definitely not angels (in one episode Mason smuggles drugs in his rectum and ends up very, very high), so there's no sort of creepy/preachy religious overtones.

The show is just smart and funny and, like its main character, tragically short-lived.

Lunch

2008-10-13T20:05:00.000-07:00

No Wonder People Think Women are Stupid...

2008-10-12T12:18:00.001-07:00

Ladies, do you see this man, right here, on the right? Would you let this man take you home with him? Would you let him kiss you? Hell, would you let him speak to you?

No, neither would I. But for a second season, VH1 is allowing him to teach sexually/socially challenged young men how to pick up women. And his advice isn't, "Find the one so drunk she can barely stand and drag her out by the hair," which surprised the crap out of me.

His name, in case you weren't clued in to the fact that this loser is a complete ass hat, is Mystery, and he's the host of The Pickup Artist. And his method of teaching men to pick up women involves changing everything about the men (creating avatars) and wowing women with childish parlor tricks and asinine riddles. And in every episode, he goes into a bar (albeit after his students when the girls are waayyyyy drunk) and picks up girls left and right.

I cannot be the only girl in the world who, upon seeing this guy approaching me, run as far and as fast as I can away from him. He's wearing a fur hat and has Tommy Lee's lip-print tattoo on his neck. And this is one of his less objectionable outfits. He wears goggles. GOGGLES!!! But no on his eyes--oh, no, this fashionable fellow puts them on top of his cowboy hats and his ski caps (which he is wearing in Arizona, in the middle of the summer). And you can't see it, but he has a ponytail. A friggin' PONYTAIL!!!

So he's not attractive, his conversation is just pointless inane bullshit and he dresses like a freak. Why is this man able to pick up a woman, much less teach someone else to do it? And I'd love to see the quality of woman who falls for it. I imagine her to be slightly classier than Tila Tequila, but not quite as classy as any cast of Flavor of Love.

Fail

2008-10-05T10:21:00.000-07:00

So, knowing the people who read my blog, I suspect I may not be the last person alive to have seen this, so I'm going to share it around with all of you. Please meet FailBlog.org.

While I really hate to be around people who are stupid, I enjoy the fruits of stupidity's labor. And these fruits are all ripe for harvest on FailBlog. So please check it out and enjoy.

I have posted my personal favorite here--a favorite not just because it's the worst possible spelling mistake one could make when trying to attract minor boys to a softball team, but also because when I saw this for the first time, the girl sitting next to me says, "I wonder what that was supposed to say..." Mmm...creative thinking fail!

The Blockbuster Conspiracy

2008-09-29T20:15:00.000-07:00

I think Blockbuster has taken control of my queue. Honestly.

I managed to get my queue down to like 40 movies through a combination of renting-watching-returning quickly, exchanging the online rentals for in-store rentals and just generally being really, really bored. But suddenly, my queue is up to 92 movies, not counting the one I have and the two they are sending me now. A total of 95 movies. And not one of them is a film I've ever seen before. I challenge anyone to name 95 movies they've never seen that they would like to. Mike? Kim? Katie? I bet you can't do it.

And there are movies on my queue I've never even heard of! The Secret? A Hole in One? Confessions of an American Girl? If anyone knows anything about these movies, please, share your knowledge because I am at a loss.

But, if I've never heard of them, where did they come from?

My theory is that it's a big conspiracy cooked up by the guys at Blockbuster HQ (that's headquarters, for those of you too smart to think in acronyms). First, they are attempting to manage customer retention by ensuring that the lists contain more movies than any one person of average social appeal could every possibly get through. That way, if they are ever considering discontinuing their service, they will look at their queue and think, "Oh, but there are 238 movies here I want to see. I guess I'll keep it.

Second, I think they're trying to mess with me. I'm sure there's a guy in processing sitting around looking at people's queues and thinking to himself, "Hm, this is such a long queue, I bet she won't even notice if I add The Road Home to her list. I bet she'll even let it go so far that she watches it. Hey, Ferguson!! I got $20 says this girl watches The Road Home!! You in?!?!" (That last part was shouting across the office to Ferguson, the office whipping boy. I'll tell you about Ferguson some other time.)

So, yeah, Blockbuster is messing with my queue and messing with my head. And I have no idea what The Road Home is about, but Ferguson is probably about to lose $20, because it's working its way up the list.

Bad Marketing Plans, Part 1

2008-09-27T22:10:00.000-07:00

So today I get into my boyfriend's car and on the front seat is a postcard with a picture of a blonde eastern European looking girl. She looks vaguely sedated and a little ashamed of herself, and her outfit is a little on the skanky--I mean sexy--side. Who is she? Is she a stripper? An escort? An invitation to participate in human trafficking?

Nope, she's a model. And the card is an invitation to join her agency.

So I asked J where he got the card, and he tells me he found it on his car.

"Wow," I said. "That's such a smart marketing plan! I can't think of any better way to discover models than by putting cards on cars the owner is nowhere near so you can't tell what they look like!"

Now, J is a handsome man. Unfortunately, he isn't a big fan of having his picture taken, so it's not likely he was going to sign on with the agency. Oh, and the card was looking for women. I love him, but, while he may be more feminine than Samantha Ronson, he's not exactly going to pass for a hot chick anytime soon.

Now, we live in a neighborhood where, if you park on the street, when you next get in your car, you're likely to find fliers and cars advertising everything from cleaning services to vacations to auto parts to discount calling cards with great rates to Mexico on them. And that's fine. Everyone needs a cleaning service or auto parts at one time or another, and a lot of the people in my neighborhood are both calling Mexico and looking to travel there pretty regularly.

But a modeling agency? I'm not sure you can just throw a card on someone's car and hit a model every time. I doubt you could do it 5% of the time. Particularly if the car is a PT Cruiser. In terms of ROI, you're probably not even going to break even.

On a scale of one to ten, with one being kind of weird but it just might work and ten being the worst idea ever, I give this modeling agency an 8.

No Man Can Eat 50 Eggs

2008-09-27T10:01:00.000-07:00

Well, it's a sad day. One of the greatest actors of all time has died, leaving behind a legacy of phenomenal films, generous philanthropies and selfless humanitarianism. A man who could eat 50 eggs. Rest well, Mr. Newman.

M is for Movies!

2008-09-26T19:32:00.000-07:00

So, Kim, over at Machine Ghost posted to her blog a 12-day movie marathon which someone else "tagged" her to do. So, even though no one tagged me, my ex-roommate (and the greatest roommate known to mankind, by the way) and I went to see the AMC Best Picture showcase last year--when AMC theaters show every best picture nominee back to back--I thought this idea was right up my alley. So, in honor of those 12 hours I spent sitting in the dark, I stole it. And just to make it a little bit harder, I'm going to make an effort not to include more than one film starring the same actor. In no particular order...

1. Memoirs of a Geisha
Okay, so Katie can totally tell you I put this movie on every night to put myself to sleep, but it's sooooo good! It's so pretty and the music is so great, there's no not loving it.

2. High Fidelity
Never mind that I am "of a certain age" where I fell deeply in love with John Cusak as Lloyd Dobler...a love that was cemented through his best films...Better Off Dead...Grosse Pointe Blank...Max...Martian Child (which I just saw and love), this is a great movie. His absolute refusal to grow up, his anger and depression at war for his soul, his elitism and his inability to express himself except through music is just so powerful and delicious.

3. Dawn of the Dead
Pick a version; they've both got their merits. I think the original is a little bit slow in the middle, but George A. Romero is a brilliant allegorist (is that a word? is now.) and Tom Savini is an absolute genius both on screen and in the SFX department. But, when the zombies come for us--and you know they're coming--I want Ving Rhames with me (although not Ving Rhames from Day of the Dead).

4. Iron Man
Julian's not in trouble anymore. Robert Downey, Jr. has done a streak of good ones...Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang...A Scanner Darkly...Tropic Thunder (or so I hear)...but he was born to play Tony Stark.

5. Saved!
It's time to get our Christ on! So many people have no sense of humor when it comes to religion. I, on the other hand, feel that if you hold something too sacred (pardon the pun) and don't ever think about it or look at it from a different angle, it loses its meaning. And Jenna Malone is just so brokenhearted over her loss of faith that you can't help but find her hysterically funny and hysterically tragic at the same time.

6. Bride and Prejudice
I love Jane Austen, and I love when Jane Austen is retold really well. And the color is great and the music is so much fun!

7. Shoot 'Em Up
This is a bad movie, it announces itself as a bad movie and it does not apologize for being a bad movie. Do you like puns? Do you like shooting? Do you like Clive Owen? You will like this movie.

8. Dedication
I already wrote about this one once, and Mandy Moore is also in Saved! so it's kind of against the rules, but it's so good!

9. Hotel Rwanda
What were you doing when Kurt Cobain died? Were you using your position as a hotel manager to save Rwandans? No? Well, this guy was. And while the people of Rwanda call him a bourgeois coward who saved a bunch of other bourgeois cowards, this movie is touching and will make you cry and be a little ashamed to be a citizen of the "civilized" world.

10. The Crow
Okay, so it's not a particularly great movie, but it's kind of a defining moment for so many members of a generation. Brandon Lee was poised to truly break out, and his death and all the mystery that surrounds it make the movie bigger than it really should be. And Detroit is worse than it seems in the film. But the soundtrack is amazing.

11. Sweeny Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street
Ah, a Johnny Depp film. You knew it was coming. What has he been in that he wasn't fabulous? Even Ed Wood, which was so awful, he was great in. And Helena Bonham Carter is amazing. Musicals don't really excite me, but this is great.

12. Reality Bites
Oh, come on. Of course. And I still actually really wish that Winona Ryder would pick Ben Stiller every time I see it. Ethan Hawke looks like he might be a little stinky.

Mikey McG's McMeme

2008-09-24T18:39:00.000-07:00

Okay, so Mike over at FoolsCap "tagged" me with a meme, which apparently means I have to participate. I don't know, I'm a Blogger blogger, and I think tagging is a Wordpress thing. So I have to think of the six saddest songs I know and the saddest lines in them. And I think I'm supposed to put a picture of a sad clown with it. Well, the sad clown looks a little like he's giving the "give it to me here in the bushes, bad boy, 'cause I hate myself" look to a guy he's crawling in the park. So I hope I do better with the music. Here it goes:

The Six Saddest Songs I know...and the saddest lines in them

1. Daniel, by Elton John
Oh, and I can see Daniel waving goodbye
God it looks like Daniel, must be the clouds in my eyes

2. Happy Christmas (War is Over), by John Lennon
And so this is Christmas
For rich and the poor ones
The world is so wrong

3. Daddy's Hands, by Holly Dunn
If I could do things over I'd live my life again
And never take for granted, the love in Daddy's hands

4. I Will Follow You into the Dark, by Death Cab for Cutie
If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
I will follow you into the dark

5. Tears in Heaven, by Eric Clapton
I must be strong and carry on
Cause I know I don't belong
Here in heaven

6. Big Girls Don't Cry, by Fergie
And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I've got to get a move on with my life
Its time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry

So those are my memetastic choices. Okay? Meme that, Mike!

Do-it-Yourself Democrat Speech

2008-09-18T17:58:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I was looking for something online that would prove to my Republican co-worker that people out there really are paying attention to the inconsistencies in Obama's speeches just like people are paying attention to the weirdness that is a Sarah Palin speech, and I stumbled across what you will find below. I promise you, I have not added any suggestions, subtracted any information or changed the DIY speech below in the least. And because it didn't come with a picture, please enjoy the image of Pixel above. Unfortunately, the cute part is aimed away from the camera.

"My fellow Americans, for too long now, (choose one)

Republicans
neo-cons
Norwegians
ferret-owners
_______________ have been trying to steal the

abortion rights
Social Security benefits
virginity
last beer in the 'fridge
_________________of hard-working, honest

senior citizens
single moms
chimneysweeps
eskimos
___________.

Working families
Organic farmers
The Cast of "Growing Pains"
____________________ will never reach the our shared goal of

universal health care
a living wage
unlimited trips to the salad bar
kickass guitar solos
_______________________as long as

President Bush
Senator McCain
Emmanuel Lewis
Carrot Top
_____________ and his cronies are still in charge.

Haliburton
Wal-Mart
Old Country Buffet
Wally's Auto Body
______________ is enjoying

record profits
tax breaks
delicious fudge
______________while

immigrants
the urban poor
middle class families
ninjas
________________ just struggle to make ends meet.

And the
wealthy land developers
SUV-drivers
1972 Miami Dolphins
____________________ are trying to ruin the environment too with their

McMansions
urban sprawl
dandruff
_____________.

There always seems to be money to give corporate welfare to

Big Oil
Big Drug Companies
Big Bird
Biggie Smalls
_______________,

but what about funding for

public schools
the fight against global warming
Billy Baldwin
________________________?

Its about time we start taxing

the wealthiest 1%
war profiteers
lemonade stands
______________so we have the money to finally eliminate

poverty
homelessness
athlete's foot
fire ants
___________.

To win, we'll need to struggle mightily against the awesome power of

the special interests
conservative talk radio
Total Rock 103.3 FM
the Hoover WindTunnel Vacuum
________________________,

but we're going to take our message of

hope
change
less talk, more rock
_______________ directly to the people.

With your help, we can win. Thank you and goodnight!"

I Heart Pacey 4-eva!

2008-09-16T20:23:00.000-07:00

Okay, look at that picture. How could anyone have ever preferred Dawson to Pacey?? The only thing missing from that photo is my kitchen in the background.

But, there was a time not so long ago when I feared that Pacey--okay, okay, Joshua Jackson--was spiraling towards being known only as Diane Krueger's arm candy. Following his stellar turn as the well-meaning screw-up bad boy with a heart of gold who gets the girl in the end in Dawson's Creek, Josh took a few weirdo supporting roles (who can forget the weird blonde dye job he sported as the gay friend in Cruel Intentions for 3 seconds?) and seemed to disappear.

But never fear, Pacey Girls, he's back cashing checks! First, it was in the film Shutter, a remake of a Thai horror film. Yes, it was predictable, but yes, Joshua Jackson was as good as he could possibly be, considering what he was given to work with.

And now, he's playing the chameleon son of a brilliant but crazy scientist on the new Fox show Fringe. If you loved Pacey, you'll love Peter Bishop, his new character. He's the same sarcastic and charming con artist he played on the Creek, but now he's sort of grown into the kind of very adult observations he was credited with as Pacey. And he's still got his charming, disarming smile.

Fringe itself is actually a really good show--or at least, the first two episodes have been good. It focuses on shady government dealings (the FBI, CIA and a mysterious company called Massive Dynamic--what do we do? what don't we do!) and the field of fringe science. Fringe science is basically the attempt to extend some kind of scientific mastery over occult practices, such as mind reading and teleportation--crazy psychic stuff. It focuses on an FBI agent, Olivia, who is forced to work with an institutionalized scientist, Dr. Bishop, in order to save her lover, who bites it in the first episode, drawing her into the mysterious pattern being investigated by the CIA, FBI and Massive Dynamic. Or is it? Jackson plays Peter Bishop, Dr. Bishop's son who is extraordinarily intelligent and has managed to con his way through life. Peter is angry with his father for losing his mind and being institutionalized, and thus abandoning him, when he was a young boy, but, as his only living relative, he must be present as Dr. Bishop's guardian if Olivia is to keep working with him.

The show has pretty much everything you could possibly want--weird science, a crazy scientist, a reluctant heroine, a cow, and lots of sexual tension between Olivia and Peter. And best of all, it has Joshua Jackson's smile. Swoon!

Broken, Damaged People

2008-09-15T19:35:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I was watching the movie Dedication, starring Mandy Moore and Billy Crudup, directed by Justin Theroux, which is a fantastic film. But, there's this moment where Henry (Crudup) and Rudy (Tom Wilkinson) are discussing Henry's girlfriend and Rudy explains that the girlfriend will leave Henry because he's actually a damaged person. Rudy says that women think they like damaged men, but what they really like is men who pretend to be damaged "in a complicated, let's talk about it over Chardonnay way."

And this made me think. Not about the obvious, which would be the gross oversimplification of women's desire for men who need to be fixed somehow, but about the idea of whether or not a person can truly be damaged.

We all have our little quirks and foibles and we carry the stigmas and baggages of things that have happened to us in the past. These things help to form the way we think about how other people think about us. For example, if someone is told over and over that people don't like them, they will expect that whenever they meet someone new, that person will by default be unable to like them. And then the unlikable person will, assuming they will not be liked, not make an effort to be charming and interesting and likable, and will therefore be disliked.

In Henry's case, he has OCD. He becomes somewhat agoraphobic in stressful situations and needs to lie down with heavy things on top of him to become calm again. He has to have things a certain way, he refuses to ride in a car because "statistically you have a 100% chance of being in an accident," he can only turn things counterclockwise, he is afraid of numbers, and (the most endearing of his quirks) he has a towel he cannot throw away because he thinks it may have feelings. Henry has real problems and issues. But should we say that he's broken?

I honestly don't believe it's possible for a person to be broken. I think it's possible for them to be hurt, angry, confused, scared and selfish, but not broken.

But broken is such a trendy buzzword for people who have feelings or who express negative emotions. Henry does and says things "no one" would ever really think to do or say in "real life." He gets angry at Rudy for giving away their Nicks tickets, so he tells a little girl there is no Santa Claus. He says hurtful things to Lucy (Moore). But Lucy isn't having any of it. She understands where these things are coming from and stands up to him, and he falls in love.

But back to being trendy. I think we've become a society so obsessed with being positive and upbeat and avoiding anything that's negative that anything or anyone who expresses negativity needs to be dismissed as wrong. Hence, broken people. If someone who is justifiably upset with the level of service they get at a restaurant and complains, other diners apologize to his waitress and tell her he's just an angry man. Something wrong with him, not with the experience. So many soma holidays for our Brave New World.

I think this is why so many films center around characters who are angry or disappointed or are in some other way expressed as broken. It makes them interesting. It makes them human. Far more human, in fact, than the idiot who calls them broken. Of course, they're usually fixed or on their way to being fixed when the end credits roll, but Hollywood still has to pander, after all.

I Ate This, Pt. 1

2008-09-13T11:28:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I've been for the past month doing the South Beach diet, trying to lose an amount of weight approximately equivalent to like a second grader. At this point, I have lost one chin.

South Beach is low carb, high protein, high fiber with lots of green leafy veggies. It's particularly difficult for me because I LOVE carbs, particularly for breakfast. For the past few weeks, I've been eating omelets every weekend, so at this point, if I have to look at another omelet I will scream. And then I found this recipe for whole wheat vanilla pancakes.

Okay, so if you look at that picture, they don't look quite that tasty. Mine looked a lot better. And they were totally yummy! Even J thought they were as good as the pancakes I normally make. Throw on a little turkey bacon, and it's a yummy, healthy breakfast. To keep the sugar content (a.k.a., the carb count) low, I put low sugar strawberry jam on mine.

So, as part of an ongoing segment here on Ad Nihilum, I will share with you these things that I have eaten that actually taste good, so you can enjoy them as well! And next time, I will think ahead and put an actual photo of the actual food I made up for you!

Whole Wheat Vanilla Pancakes

1/2 Cup whole wheat flour
1 Tablespoon sugar
1/2 Teaspoon baking powder
1/4 Teaspoon baking soda
1/4 Teaspoon salt
1 egg
1/4 cup vanilla yogurt (I used light yogurt)
1/4 cup water
1 Tablespoon canola oil
1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract

Whisk together the flour, sugar, baking powder, soda and salt in one bowl. Set aside. In another bowl, whisk together the egg, yogurt, water, oil and vanilla. Combine wet and dry ingredients and stir until moistened. Pour batter into a non-stick pan over medium-high heat using approximately a 1/4 cup of batter per pancake. When bubbles appear, flip and cook till light brown. Makes 8-ish, equivalent to 2 servings.

Yum!

Vegas, Baby, Vegas

2008-09-10T19:19:00.000-07:00

Ah, Las Vegas. The greatest trick Mexicans ever played on Americans. (For those who don't know, "las vegas" is Spanish for "the meadows.")

I was on a business trip to meet with a client at the ISSA conference in Las Vegas, and I just returned tonight. This business trip involved drinking margaritas the size of my head and indulging in all-you-can-eat Brazilian steak-house dinner (both of which resulted in some low-grade vomiting). Oh, and I did some business. Vegas, frankly, gives me the creeps. Mostly because it shouldn't exist.

Vegas is an entirely man-made oasis in the desert. They have to bus in water from Lake Mead, which is kind of a haul and there are palm trees planted everywhere which are not native to the desert. The resorts/casinos are all specifically themed and designed to make you think you're somewhere else in the world--Egypt, Italy, Paris, New York, Liberace's living room. Indoor shopping areas are paved to resemble cobblestone streets and skies are painted on the ceilings. Even the one natural element, the mountain, looks like something off Universal's back lot.

And the people. I've lived in Las Vegas, so I can say firsthand that it's the kind of place where you can go if you're Queen of England or Queen of the Trailer Park. Fashion extends from designer suits and couture dresses to fanny packs and sweatpants with camel toe. How in the hell do you get camel toe in a pair of sweatpants!!! I own one pair, and the crotchal-area is a good 8 inches below my lady-bits.

It's so good to be at home in Chicago!

Good or Bad?

2008-09-08T20:34:00.001-07:00

MTV's VMAs as an Educational Experience

2008-09-07T18:44:00.001-07:00

I've always been a huge fan of edutainment--just because something is entertaining doesn't mean you can't learn from it. Take tonight's VMAs. It was the 25th anniversary, so the presenters were doing their very best to teach us about the history of the awards show. I, however, learned a few things of my own.

1. The Jonas Brothers are lame.

I know there are millions of 13-year-old girls who would beat me into a smushy pulp for saying so, but seriously, they're lame. Their little performance, the three of them sitting on the fake steps of the Paramount back lot with their tiny guitars was so stripped down that you had to pay attention to the lyrics. Frankly, the price was too high. And then their set opens up and they run onto a stage like suddenly they're really going to rock out and a zillion neon-clad groupies (um, extras, kids, they were extras) rushed the stage to surround them. And then the floppy haired one tried to demonstrate how very hardcore he is by unsuccessfully ripping open his tweed vest. The best part? The curly headed one with the sideburns who didn't get to sing.

2. Rappers grab their crotches in order to hold their pants on.

So as Lil' Wayne, who I thought was in jail, came out onto the stage doing this splay-legged shuffle with his pants buckled around his mid-thigh area, I noticed that with every step he grabbed his crotch. Then I noticed that his entire rear end was outside of his pants. Ergo, all the crotch grabbing was solely to ensure that his pants stayed on. And I thought it was meant to demonstrate how enormous their junk was.

3. Pete Wentz thinks Spencer Pratt is a tool. Which means Pete and I have something in common other than being Ashlee Simpson fans.

4. MTV has no idea what rock music sounds like.

Linkin Park's sad-bastard ballad got the award for best rock video. Linkin Park used to be a rock band, but Madonna also used to be a virgin. Even Fall Out Boy has more rock cred than Linkin Park now. I'm pretty sure Miley Cyrus does too. But maybe not Hannah Montana.

5. Spelling doesn't count.

Paramore. Flo Rida. Tokio Hotel. And maybe Milli Vanilli destroyed my trust in people with thick European accents to make music that sounds like it's being sung very clearly in American English, but their beautiful androgynous male lead singer has a very thick German accent. Just saying.

6. Kid Rock should be stopped. If his performance at the VMAs (with a superfluous cameo from Lil' Wayne, who still can't figure out how to pull his pants up over his bum) didn't convince you, please check out the "Warrior" video.

Britney Spears looked fantastic, by the way, won two awards and dressed appropriately. Christina Aguilera, however, might have wanted to shed a few more pounds before strapping herself into that nylon and vinyl contraption she was wearing. Yikes!

Hello, New Blog

2008-09-06T21:07:00.000-07:00

So, having just turned 29 and enjoying a bit of a crisis of lifestyle, I have decided to force my thoughts and opinions on the world. And the world should feel so lucky to have them. Especially since I went for the most pretentious title I could possibly find, I think it will be an extra-special treat for my readers. Both of them.